I went to an "Origami Owl" party they sell necklaces that you customize it is a neat product. So I bought a tag that says 'FEARLESS', and I am trying to follow my own advice. I have started to question where my fear comes from. A college professor of mine taught us that fear is always based on being afraid of not having enough; stuff, popularity, love. Hmm, I am not sure that is where my fear comes from - I think I have become afraid of failure.
For me failure is the act of quitting. You see I spent some time depressed, and during this time I just always chose to go to bed - that was my solution to all problems. Now I find it is hard to get back up and try again - if something doesn't work I just want to quit. It can be as hard as getting a job or as simple as cooking dinner. For Christmas I got a large steamer pot for making tamales, something I have thought of trying to make for a few years, so I started the process before I read many recipes. I knew the filling I wanted was shredded pork and I needed ground corn flour - masa and corn husk wraps. The shredded pork takes 8-10 hours so I started there, and then read recipes. WELL the recipes were long and complicated and I started to have anxiety attacks. I had my husband go with me on most of my shopping adventures, I had to be very brave to tell him I was scared to try making the tamales. That was hard - admitting needing help and having so much anxiety over something as small as cooking something new.
I worked hard to press on and make the tamales. It took me 3 days to find all the ingredients - how could it be so hard to find corn husk wraps?!? Each day it was stressful to keep trying I REALLY wanted to quit. The tamales were okay, a great base to start with so I made it through phase one. Now I need to keep working at the recipe to make it good. I'll have to call them fearless tamales LOL
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A New Season
It is December 21, 2012 and the new age is beginning. So I am spending some time pondering what this will mean for my life. I have continued to work on my health and I have lost over 25 pounds. We are getting ready to move again, something I am not very happy about. So lets start there - the move:
Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over.
Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally.
SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it.
Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over.
Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally.
SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it.
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