Fearless

     I went to an "Origami Owl" party they sell necklaces that you customize it is a neat product. So I bought a tag that says 'FEARLESS', and I am trying to follow my own advice. I have started to question where my fear comes from. A college professor of mine taught us that fear is always based on being afraid of not having enough; stuff, popularity, love. Hmm, I am not sure that is where my fear comes from - I think I have become afraid of failure.

     For me failure is the act of quitting. You see I spent some time depressed, and during this time I just always chose to go to bed - that was my solution to all problems. Now I find it is hard to get back up and try again - if something doesn't work I just want to quit. It can be as hard as getting a job or as simple as cooking dinner. For Christmas I got a large steamer pot for making tamales, something I have thought of trying to make for a few years, so I started the process before I read many recipes. I knew the filling I wanted was shredded pork and I needed ground corn flour - masa and corn husk wraps. The shredded pork takes 8-10 hours so I started there, and then read recipes. WELL the recipes were long and complicated and I started to have anxiety attacks. I had my husband go with me on most of my shopping adventures, I had to be very brave to tell him I was scared to try making the tamales. That was hard - admitting needing help and having so much anxiety over something as small as cooking something new.

     I worked hard to press on and make the tamales. It took me 3 days to find all the ingredients - how could it be so hard to find corn husk wraps?!? Each day it was stressful to keep trying I REALLY wanted to quit. The tamales were okay, a great base to start with so I made it through phase one. Now I need to keep working at the recipe to make it good. I'll have to call them fearless tamales LOL


 

A New Season

          It is December 21, 2012 and the new age is beginning. So I am spending some time pondering what this will mean for my life. I have continued to work on my health and I have lost over 25 pounds. We are getting ready to move again, something I am not very happy about.  So lets start there - the move:

      Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over. 

      Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally. 

       SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it. 

Thoughts on balance

I haven't been good at posting here, I am afraid that what I have to say isn't interesting enough, and I hate editing my work. So I am going to just write please excuse the lack of proof reading.

I have started a journey to better health, by joining a gym and Spark People. Tracking my food was helpful but it seemed to take me so much time so I fell off that wagon, need to start again since it lead to more mindful eating. Trips to the gym have been hard to stay consistent with since it is summer and I am not in town all the time. Then the cycle of guilt starts which leads to an interest in just quitting - then I can live in ignorance of my behavior again. AND how am I ever going to do this when I start classes again in the fall!?!?!

 I thought life was going to get easier as I got older, and NO I just have tons of additional issues . . . like I want to eat healthy, and environmentally well - so I am checking fruit for where it came from, nothing from Chili or Europe (bananas are an exception to this rule since they can't be local). So since I am on the east coast I look for apples from NY and strawberries from FL.  When I can't find regionally sourced food should I let go of my desire to be healthy in deference to the environment??  And this type of argument is found in other parts of my life too - try to clean out a closet - I end up with piles for local thrift, trash, save for later etc I am always trying to reduce what goes to the landfill - which sometimes leaves me with even more clutter in my house - GRRR!!!!  I need to find balance and a way to forgive myself for not being the perfect human I want to be, oh goodie another self discovery journey, well that is today's rant thanks for listening

Exercise, sweat, and Pain oh my

So I have taken the plunge and joined a gym.  To stick to a work out plan you need to enjoy it and I actually enjoy the gym. I like all the choices, and I love the classes. I took a class called BodyFlow this week. BodyFlow  is a yoga/Pilates/tai chi hybrid  and it was fun and challenging without making me feel  lacking.  The time on the treadmill and elliptical this week has been empowering, and I have been progressing at about the right pace I think – a little muscle soreness, a lot of sweat and still having fun.  I hope to stay on track this time and make the ‘life change’ because this roller coaster isn’t any fun.  So here is to the gestating new me – I can’t wait to see how she turns out . . . .

Outdoors

                It turns out that time in the quiet outdoors helps me think, and keeps me healthy.  Yesterday, I went for a jog, well mostly a walk I am overweight, over forty, and asthmatic so jogging is really hard – but I decided I was going to solve the overweight problem hence the walk/jog.  My youngest, 9 yr old girl, Happy had her riding lesson and I enjoyed walking around in the woods. I have trouble exercising indoors, or along roads I really prefer to be in nature. I was restarting the C25K program, which I had done before and I was impressed with how good I felt through the first few jogging sections.  It was great, fresh air, animals, birds, and plants but of course after the fourth transition from walking to jogging,  I couldn’t jog the 5^th section. Having a heart attack I tried to get control of my breathing, and told myself I was off the couch and moving. Eventually I ran through a few more of the transitions, and had to move on to hollow platitudes about personal achievement. I didn’t believe my inner voice – but I was upright and moving until the timer stopped!  

                Here is to getting off the couch and into the woods!!! 

So in my continuing quest to decide what I want to be when I grow up I have returned to school. My spouse will (hopefully) be retiring in a year or so at which point I get to become the breadwinner and he can be my bitch wife/homemaker. I already have a BS in business so I am getting some certificates in contracting, and logistics - those seemed like good fields to get some knowledge in.  The classes are at a community college which is great, they are close and inexpensive (as far as college goes). Getting an MBA was out of the question because of the expense. All in all the return to school experience was good - but my house is a disaster.


Even in a good week cleaning is NOT my thing, so when I could avoid it by doing homework, lets just say that is a higher education bonus. So I hope now that school is done until fall that I can get my house under control.


My oldest daughter is out of control - I think that will be the topic for next blog. I am going to try writing 3-4 times a week. I think that will help me to stay in mental condition for school, and it will be good me time. Ah if I could learn to see exercise as me time - ha another blog idea :-)