Well the packers are done, and the truck comes tomorrow. I am at peace with this, even having some (dare I type it out loud) fun. Kahuna, (DH) had two boxes of paper to destroy so we spent the evening feeding wads of paper to the fire and chatting - it was very nice. I am looking forward to the next week at G-ma's house eating, visiting, catching up on Game of Thrones (we don't have cable only 17 channels at our house), it will be relaxing before the 5-7 days driving to Texas.
I hope to keep you posted as we travel.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Nervous energy
For the last year I have tried to find calm and balance in my life. I have put a good deal of energy into de-cluttering my physical space, which does help me to be calm. Then there was time at the gym, a strong body reassures the mind that the whole system is capable. I spent time meditating; free style, and guided by podcasts - I have really enjoyed Tara Brach and The Chopra Center for Wellbeing. Both are based on Buddhist teachings and I am trying hard to "take my hands off the controls". Yet, as we close in our our moving date the anxiety is daunting.
I am stressed by the unsold house, and the possibly forgotten things. I found myself standing in the kitchen wondering what to do, unable to sit down and breath. I have moved so many times before, ten times as an adult, five of those with the military, so I KNOW how to do this. As a matter of fact I have done it well, everything cleaned out and sorted; and I have done it badly, junk drawer not cleaned out, clothing not sorted, medicine cabinet uncleared. It is amazing how much junk you collect, and it can really piss you off to unwrap a huge rolled up item, carefully packed by the movers with the same amount of care they used on your china, to find a pile of bread bag ties. I learned the time spent on the front end (cleaning out) pays x3 when you are unpacking. I have also learned that the move happens bad/good/ugly it happens. If I forgot something, and lets face it the odds are good I did, it will still be okay. Working on a mantra - "there is nothing more to be done, it will all work out just as it should". Hmm, I think that will do. I will work with it and see if it helps me breath.
I am stressed by the unsold house, and the possibly forgotten things. I found myself standing in the kitchen wondering what to do, unable to sit down and breath. I have moved so many times before, ten times as an adult, five of those with the military, so I KNOW how to do this. As a matter of fact I have done it well, everything cleaned out and sorted; and I have done it badly, junk drawer not cleaned out, clothing not sorted, medicine cabinet uncleared. It is amazing how much junk you collect, and it can really piss you off to unwrap a huge rolled up item, carefully packed by the movers with the same amount of care they used on your china, to find a pile of bread bag ties. I learned the time spent on the front end (cleaning out) pays x3 when you are unpacking. I have also learned that the move happens bad/good/ugly it happens. If I forgot something, and lets face it the odds are good I did, it will still be okay. Working on a mantra - "there is nothing more to be done, it will all work out just as it should". Hmm, I think that will do. I will work with it and see if it helps me breath.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Updates . . .minimalism, balance, health
It has been awhile, and after I posted about the Beach and move I reviewed some old posts and thought I would make a few updates;
Reduce your stuff - This movement continues in our house and I have been very happy with the results. Here are some of the things I learned - return to that closet, I would clear out closets once a year but for me to go through them every few months I found some items I had 'saved' on the first check were easier to part with in 2 months. In some cases I realized that I didn't wear it over the season I had saved it for or it was just to far out of fashion, also with the weight loss I didn't want to give myself larger clothes to return to. I have also held to not buying any clothing with out throw out something. Since we have a moving bearing down on us I have also cleared out all junk drawers and book shelves. I found alot of stuff in bathroom cupboards - it was all tossed for the move and we have been using up all the sample sized shampoos and body washes that were lingering in the house. Sometimes I have some anxiety about throwing stuff out - I want to recycle, or re-purpose as much as possible - and I have tried that but I also let myself off the 'save-the-planet' hook by remembering that I am also trying to reduce my overall consumption. To that end I have become the bag lady -- rarely needing a store plastic bag when I shop. So a big pat on the back on minimizing my environment.
Balance - with less stuff cluttering up the house cleaning became less of a burden it also helped that the house is for sale so the whole family is pitching in full force to keep it show room perfect. I often remind the family that we should get to a point where we live like this all the time. With the house cleaner I can actually relax in my home and read a book guilt free - AHHH BLISSFUL!!! I still make it to the gym 3x a week, and I worked part time yet I was at peace it was really nice.
Weight loss - I still get to the gym and I watch what I eat (but I am not tracking like I should) so, while I have not gained my loss has slowed considerably. I am ok with this since I feel like it is my life and I should be enjoying it and living it not just always working toward a goal. My health is continuing to improve and I am still in a much better physical place than I was 18 months ago so while I have missed goals the continued progress is acceptable to me.
Overall I think I am in a good place with some tools to maintain my balance, health and good outlook.
Reduce your stuff - This movement continues in our house and I have been very happy with the results. Here are some of the things I learned - return to that closet, I would clear out closets once a year but for me to go through them every few months I found some items I had 'saved' on the first check were easier to part with in 2 months. In some cases I realized that I didn't wear it over the season I had saved it for or it was just to far out of fashion, also with the weight loss I didn't want to give myself larger clothes to return to. I have also held to not buying any clothing with out throw out something. Since we have a moving bearing down on us I have also cleared out all junk drawers and book shelves. I found alot of stuff in bathroom cupboards - it was all tossed for the move and we have been using up all the sample sized shampoos and body washes that were lingering in the house. Sometimes I have some anxiety about throwing stuff out - I want to recycle, or re-purpose as much as possible - and I have tried that but I also let myself off the 'save-the-planet' hook by remembering that I am also trying to reduce my overall consumption. To that end I have become the bag lady -- rarely needing a store plastic bag when I shop. So a big pat on the back on minimizing my environment.
Balance - with less stuff cluttering up the house cleaning became less of a burden it also helped that the house is for sale so the whole family is pitching in full force to keep it show room perfect. I often remind the family that we should get to a point where we live like this all the time. With the house cleaner I can actually relax in my home and read a book guilt free - AHHH BLISSFUL!!! I still make it to the gym 3x a week, and I worked part time yet I was at peace it was really nice.
Weight loss - I still get to the gym and I watch what I eat (but I am not tracking like I should) so, while I have not gained my loss has slowed considerably. I am ok with this since I feel like it is my life and I should be enjoying it and living it not just always working toward a goal. My health is continuing to improve and I am still in a much better physical place than I was 18 months ago so while I have missed goals the continued progress is acceptable to me.
Overall I think I am in a good place with some tools to maintain my balance, health and good outlook.
The Beach Before the Move
I am here at the beach for the summer solstice, we are on our family vacation and I had not even taken note that the solstice would happen. It is sad that I lose track of my spirituality and it is wonderful to me that I am on the beach with the full moon coming on such a powerful night.
I need to take this night to meditate and refocus my mind - there is so much going on - we are moving from North Carolina to Texas, our home is for sale, and we don't know yet where we will actually live in Texas. Sometimes the fear and stress of the move really bothers me, other times I am excited by the adventure. We have really liked Fayetteville, the kids and I have enjoyed it here and found our place. I am very comfortable even if I don't have any true friends, I do have many acquaintances. We love our home, and like the schools. AND I had a job which I enjoyed. SO it is bitter sweet to move, while there are things I wanted and didn't have here there are many things I did have and giving them up is worrisome.
I have found a hiking group in Texas, and a study group to join. We will only be there for 10 months so I can take the time to focus on smaller projects and not get involved in planting a garden, or finding a job (although if the house doesn't sell I might be working at Walmart). It might be a time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, LOL.
I need to take this night to meditate and refocus my mind - there is so much going on - we are moving from North Carolina to Texas, our home is for sale, and we don't know yet where we will actually live in Texas. Sometimes the fear and stress of the move really bothers me, other times I am excited by the adventure. We have really liked Fayetteville, the kids and I have enjoyed it here and found our place. I am very comfortable even if I don't have any true friends, I do have many acquaintances. We love our home, and like the schools. AND I had a job which I enjoyed. SO it is bitter sweet to move, while there are things I wanted and didn't have here there are many things I did have and giving them up is worrisome.
I have found a hiking group in Texas, and a study group to join. We will only be there for 10 months so I can take the time to focus on smaller projects and not get involved in planting a garden, or finding a job (although if the house doesn't sell I might be working at Walmart). It might be a time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, LOL.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Minimal Living???
So I have started looking into this lifestyle called minimalism. Something I have thought about before but didn't have a name for - looking at life in small spaces being happy with less stuff etc. I guess it is something I have wanted for years - I have actually had a fantasy where our house burns down just so ALL the stuff is gone. Pretty sure that is NOT normal. Since we move every 3 years or so I do clean out closets and drawers and have garage sales regularly - but there is still so much CRAP. My husband is a collector of all sorts of toys and what not, and the kids are definitely his - emotionally attached to their toys, and don't get me wrong I have plenty of unnecessary junk too.
We needed a family plan to clear out the unneeded, useless, or pointless. I decided to try and find 10 items a day to remove from the home; trash, sell, donate. I asked my husband to get rid of 10 items a week, he was a little worried but started out on board :-) I hope to keep him on the plan with me. The kids are aware of their Mother's freak-outs that lead to black trash bags getting filled and tossed in a panic so they are happy to have a say and get a chance to take part in the decisions. This weekend hubby cleared out his hanging clothes, I edited the Christmas decorations as I put them away, kids reduced their stuffed animals and dress up clothes (a miracle to be sure). Then I put a bunch of stuff on Craigslist, and I have been placing books in a bag to go to the used book store.
But all of that is the easy stuff. I know what is coming - those hard choices inherited tchotchkes, and pieces from childhood, and the worst - stuff other family members gave you because they couldn't throw it out. My sister-in-law had some great insight about these family "gifts" - it's okay, good even to be the one strong enough to let it go. Life should be about experience, knowledge, and love not STUFF. SO that is one thing I am trying to get to - less stuff. More life.
I read an article about giving kids experiences not things for gifts at Birthdays and Christmas. They were involved lessons, sporting packages, educational trips, time with professionals in assorted fields - real in depth events. They suggested getting friends and family on board to donate time, supplies or money to these adventures. I love the idea but my spouse and my mother LOVE to shop. There is a Birthday coming at the end of January, my baby turns 10 -- Challenge Accepted! I will keep you informed, about the gifts.
We needed a family plan to clear out the unneeded, useless, or pointless. I decided to try and find 10 items a day to remove from the home; trash, sell, donate. I asked my husband to get rid of 10 items a week, he was a little worried but started out on board :-) I hope to keep him on the plan with me. The kids are aware of their Mother's freak-outs that lead to black trash bags getting filled and tossed in a panic so they are happy to have a say and get a chance to take part in the decisions. This weekend hubby cleared out his hanging clothes, I edited the Christmas decorations as I put them away, kids reduced their stuffed animals and dress up clothes (a miracle to be sure). Then I put a bunch of stuff on Craigslist, and I have been placing books in a bag to go to the used book store.
But all of that is the easy stuff. I know what is coming - those hard choices inherited tchotchkes, and pieces from childhood, and the worst - stuff other family members gave you because they couldn't throw it out. My sister-in-law had some great insight about these family "gifts" - it's okay, good even to be the one strong enough to let it go. Life should be about experience, knowledge, and love not STUFF. SO that is one thing I am trying to get to - less stuff. More life.
I read an article about giving kids experiences not things for gifts at Birthdays and Christmas. They were involved lessons, sporting packages, educational trips, time with professionals in assorted fields - real in depth events. They suggested getting friends and family on board to donate time, supplies or money to these adventures. I love the idea but my spouse and my mother LOVE to shop. There is a Birthday coming at the end of January, my baby turns 10 -- Challenge Accepted! I will keep you informed, about the gifts.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Fearless
I went to an "Origami Owl" party they sell necklaces that you customize it is a neat product. So I bought a tag that says 'FEARLESS', and I am trying to follow my own advice. I have started to question where my fear comes from. A college professor of mine taught us that fear is always based on being afraid of not having enough; stuff, popularity, love. Hmm, I am not sure that is where my fear comes from - I think I have become afraid of failure.
For me failure is the act of quitting. You see I spent some time depressed, and during this time I just always chose to go to bed - that was my solution to all problems. Now I find it is hard to get back up and try again - if something doesn't work I just want to quit. It can be as hard as getting a job or as simple as cooking dinner. For Christmas I got a large steamer pot for making tamales, something I have thought of trying to make for a few years, so I started the process before I read many recipes. I knew the filling I wanted was shredded pork and I needed ground corn flour - masa and corn husk wraps. The shredded pork takes 8-10 hours so I started there, and then read recipes. WELL the recipes were long and complicated and I started to have anxiety attacks. I had my husband go with me on most of my shopping adventures, I had to be very brave to tell him I was scared to try making the tamales. That was hard - admitting needing help and having so much anxiety over something as small as cooking something new.
I worked hard to press on and make the tamales. It took me 3 days to find all the ingredients - how could it be so hard to find corn husk wraps?!? Each day it was stressful to keep trying I REALLY wanted to quit. The tamales were okay, a great base to start with so I made it through phase one. Now I need to keep working at the recipe to make it good. I'll have to call them fearless tamales LOL
For me failure is the act of quitting. You see I spent some time depressed, and during this time I just always chose to go to bed - that was my solution to all problems. Now I find it is hard to get back up and try again - if something doesn't work I just want to quit. It can be as hard as getting a job or as simple as cooking dinner. For Christmas I got a large steamer pot for making tamales, something I have thought of trying to make for a few years, so I started the process before I read many recipes. I knew the filling I wanted was shredded pork and I needed ground corn flour - masa and corn husk wraps. The shredded pork takes 8-10 hours so I started there, and then read recipes. WELL the recipes were long and complicated and I started to have anxiety attacks. I had my husband go with me on most of my shopping adventures, I had to be very brave to tell him I was scared to try making the tamales. That was hard - admitting needing help and having so much anxiety over something as small as cooking something new.
I worked hard to press on and make the tamales. It took me 3 days to find all the ingredients - how could it be so hard to find corn husk wraps?!? Each day it was stressful to keep trying I REALLY wanted to quit. The tamales were okay, a great base to start with so I made it through phase one. Now I need to keep working at the recipe to make it good. I'll have to call them fearless tamales LOL
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A New Season
It is December 21, 2012 and the new age is beginning. So I am spending some time pondering what this will mean for my life. I have continued to work on my health and I have lost over 25 pounds. We are getting ready to move again, something I am not very happy about. So lets start there - the move:
Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over.
Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally.
SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it.
Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over.
Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally.
SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it.
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