White-Knuckle through it

White- Knuckle through it

So it has been about 2 years since I had a real panic attack and today it took me a little off guard. I was surprised by it because I am generally happy, and for the most part life is going well – so where the hell did this come from?? For me generally a panic attack is a racing heart and a general fear response, having been through a few I have learned that; NO, this isn’t a heart attack, and No I will not die. The first time I had a panic attack I did think it was a heart attack, racing heart, sweat pouring from all of me, and the fear was really overwhelming, which of course loops back in on itself as you are sure you are dying!! The sweat is strange I had sweat dripping from the crease of my elbow!?!  My, fear is not specific, I know some people have a fear of going out of the house – but mine is really general.  I guess in some ways that is why I can ‘white-knuckle’ my way through it, push myself through my day and take deep breathes as needed.

Today I didn’t really need to be anywhere, but I had plans so I put my shoes on, and faced the door, fear rising heart rate going up, and decided I needed to go get a drink before I left. I filled a cup with ice, and my Crystal Light raspberry green tea mix, lid, straw – and the activity wore off the energy and OK I will try again. Grab a jacket, purse, drink and as I turned to get my keys off the hook, heart rate rising fear coming on – damn this isn’t going to work!!

I gave in and stayed in. Husband came home for lunch and asked me about the errands I was supposed to run and I told him no I had a panic attack and decided to stay in and watch TV instead. The look on his face made me realize that my white – knuckle coping had also left me not telling him how my life is sometimes. He looked worried about me and asked if there was anything he could do to help – I wonder if he would have always been this thoughtful. Before this exchange I would have told you he would scoff at such a thing as a panic attack and he would demand that I “get over myself”, I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought. This year has been full of surprises about myself, him, and our relationship.

I am posting this, 4 weeks after the attack and I have not had another one – but I do think as I look back that it would be nice to have a job so that I have to leave the house and be somewhere, even if it requires white-knuckle days.