Tossed under the bus . . .

Right now I am writing my resume, can you tell? I was gathering my papers I have this folder that I have kept copies of my resumes through the years and letters of recommendation and cards of love and support from family and friends. I found it was a good place to go when I got sad and felt worthless. I could read all these letters that said I was responsible and a hard worker. Sometimes I forgot about my folder of attagirl, and those months would get dark . . . . Anyhow in the back I found my darkest day, orders leaving Oregon.

Once upon a time I was crazy happy in Salem, Oregon. I had friends, a purpose, I was on a great housekeeping schedule, I felt like I fit in - it was amazing. At the elementary school a ponytail and no makeup it was ok, hell it was standard Mom attire! Only problem, spouse was a recruiter and he was really unhappy, we had grown far apart and lived as roommates. We didn’t even communicate with notes, neither one knew what the other was doing in their life. Then it was time for him to return to the regular Army, he started to come back to me, the sarcastic loving guy I married started to show up at our house. We got our orders for Germany, *squee*, I love Germany. I was excited even though I would leave my home. One week before we were getting on the road they changed our orders – in a voice mail – to Ft Rucker, AL. Southern gals, inspite of the crazy melting humidity, to go everywhere-even the gym in make-up and with hair done. To say I hate Ft Rucker is a supreme understatement, I do not fit in there and we had been there 2x already. I cried for 3 days. I knew I had to make a choice, my marriage (kids were 7 and 3) or my happiness and that really is how I saw it. SO I made a sacrifice for my family, for my kids and returned to HELL.

I went to AL, and held it against him for the 2.5 years there and another 2 years at Ft Bragg, NC. It was pretty bad, I gave up. Actually laid down and gave up. I don’t even know if he could have done anything, at times I told myself that if he at least apologized for what the Army did, or admitted that I gave up so much for him then I could forgive him. LOL my husband isn’t good at sorry even when it is his fault much less for something he can’t control – but my twisted mind felt like there were words he could use to fix it. Like any good martyr I suffered for my cause, I stayed in bed for the better part of 2 years – yeah that’ll teach ‘em!!

When I started to get straight with my health and my mind a therapist asked me why did you leave Oregon? If you were happy there why didn’t you stay? I had to admit that if I had stayed we would have been divorced in a year, we were too far apart at that point and we needed to become husband and wife again. There are strong marriages that can take time apart, or even damaged ones like ours (he was deployed 2x while I continued to hold vigil) can make it if you are together in theory. If I had stayed I would have declared my independence physically when I was already living it mentally. So while he was in Afghanistan the second time I chose to get better. We were supposed to retire in a year so I would get to go back to Oregon and have a career – the kids were 13 and 10 they could function without me. He would retire and be an at home Dad while I got a career. I had a happy family picture in my mind all of my suffering was over my reward earned.

The Army did it again, while deployed he made the Sergeant Major (SGM) list and called to tell me we were going to Ft Bliss for a year and then he had to spend another 4 years in the Army to retire at SGM. I really didn’t know what to do, OH the rollercoaster of emotions. I could go to Oregon and start a life with the kids and he could join us when he retired, I could stay in NC and see where he went after school. I wanted my family intact, but wasn’t ready to trade my soul again. I am nothing if not dramatic! Once again I had a plan and here it was tossed under the bus.

I put on my big girl panties, it took me a couple of months to find them. I was pleasantly surprised that they were too big, while getting healthy I lost 50 lbs and 2 sizes. With new found pleasure at my healthy success I loaded up the family to move to Ft Bliss, TX for a whole 10 months. In Texas we discovered each other again. He came home for dinner and lunch and we laughed and enjoyed each other, both pleasantly surprised to find we were still in love. I let go of my martyrdom, and he forgave the years of passive aggressive behavior. I am a fool, I planned on getting to Ft Lewis, WA and starting my life 3 hours away in Oregon.  Thought we could have it all. Oh the Gods have a sense of humor.

I am writing this from Pyeongtaek South Korea. This time I got through my shock and dismay in about 24 hours and decided this was my overseas adventure that I had waited 8 years for, being a martyr did finally pay off.   

Depression is so sneaky

Depression is so sneaky

I have had a relationship with depression for most of my life, it took me to the age of 35 to realize it was real, and not my fault. I spent the early years thinking it was something I could power through – and to some extent I still feel this way. I spent some years on medications, like so many people these days, for just over 2 years I have been off medications.  It is hard to have a flaw you can’t control you can only mitigate its effect on your life, but I have found ways to work through the dark days.

So let’s look at what depression looks like for me this week; my mother died suddenly 6 months ago and I worry a lot about my dad, his elderly dog passed away a few days ago, and we are getting sent overseas to Korea with the military for 2 years - -lots of big things to deal with not to mention the little things of everyday life with teens.  I find myself battling that tired achy feeling, I have learned over the years this isn’t a bug or germ manifesting in me there is no reason to go to bed and wait to get better. In the past that was what I did, but that can take months and no real sickness arrives just more lethargy. Inactivity feeds on itself and you can end up in bed for a long time, that is how depression sneaks back into your life. What would help is going to the gym, get feel good hormones flowing and get sweaty – but I am not there yet. For the last 2 days I have pushed on through the fog and exhausted feelings to get stuff done and so far I still have my head above water, my face is sometimes covered in tears but I am pressing on.

I have gone out to my volunteer job this week, and took the kids to an art exhibit. Today laundry is getting done and dinner is in the works. The final push really is that trip to the gym, it makes all the difference for my mood – even when I cry while I work out, hey it happens!! When I was young it seemed I could just cry it all out then move on, but I have found that in this decade tears lead to more tears. Let’s hope I get to the gym, and turn the corner. 

White-Knuckle through it

White- Knuckle through it

So it has been about 2 years since I had a real panic attack and today it took me a little off guard. I was surprised by it because I am generally happy, and for the most part life is going well – so where the hell did this come from?? For me generally a panic attack is a racing heart and a general fear response, having been through a few I have learned that; NO, this isn’t a heart attack, and No I will not die. The first time I had a panic attack I did think it was a heart attack, racing heart, sweat pouring from all of me, and the fear was really overwhelming, which of course loops back in on itself as you are sure you are dying!! The sweat is strange I had sweat dripping from the crease of my elbow!?!  My, fear is not specific, I know some people have a fear of going out of the house – but mine is really general.  I guess in some ways that is why I can ‘white-knuckle’ my way through it, push myself through my day and take deep breathes as needed.

Today I didn’t really need to be anywhere, but I had plans so I put my shoes on, and faced the door, fear rising heart rate going up, and decided I needed to go get a drink before I left. I filled a cup with ice, and my Crystal Light raspberry green tea mix, lid, straw – and the activity wore off the energy and OK I will try again. Grab a jacket, purse, drink and as I turned to get my keys off the hook, heart rate rising fear coming on – damn this isn’t going to work!!

I gave in and stayed in. Husband came home for lunch and asked me about the errands I was supposed to run and I told him no I had a panic attack and decided to stay in and watch TV instead. The look on his face made me realize that my white – knuckle coping had also left me not telling him how my life is sometimes. He looked worried about me and asked if there was anything he could do to help – I wonder if he would have always been this thoughtful. Before this exchange I would have told you he would scoff at such a thing as a panic attack and he would demand that I “get over myself”, I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought. This year has been full of surprises about myself, him, and our relationship.

I am posting this, 4 weeks after the attack and I have not had another one – but I do think as I look back that it would be nice to have a job so that I have to leave the house and be somewhere, even if it requires white-knuckle days.