A New Season

          It is December 21, 2012 and the new age is beginning. So I am spending some time pondering what this will mean for my life. I have continued to work on my health and I have lost over 25 pounds. We are getting ready to move again, something I am not very happy about.  So lets start there - the move:

      Spouse is a soldier, he was when we married so I signed up for this with full knowledge of the deal. We have reached the year where he can retire, it has been something I looked forward to, but not why you think. I love to move and travel and go new places and meet new people, but I wanted a career. When we got married I thought it would be easy to have a career - I have a college degree, and 5 years management experience - then we had kids. Working moms know finding good affordable day care is hard, but what if you don't have a job yet? AND if you find a job most aren't portable so you start over every 3 years always low man, low pay, low responsibility. Then there were deployments and my kids reaction to those. So after a few false starts, I decided it would be ok to focus on the kids, 40 isn't too old to go back and start over. 

      Well this is the year to retire, and my husband got a promotion - which means 5 more years of Army games. This isn't just any promotion it is Sargent Major - that's a 2 star General in the enlisted world - it is HUGE. I am proud of him and his achievement. At the same time I am ready for my turn so I am angry and jealous, and it will be so hard to start a career at 47. It is all compounded by the fact that he doesn't get it what this has meant to me. He is so self centered that if/when I get angry about getting screwed out of my life he takes it all so personally. 

       SO I need to figure out how to build a life for me. I need to figure out what will make me happy and fulfilled, because wife/mother isn't enough for me and I am starting to resent them. I am getting healthy, that is something. AND I am lucky to have a working spouse to support me and the family while I try to find myself - I am know there are good things here. I will try again to find my passion and pursue it. 

Thoughts on balance

I haven't been good at posting here, I am afraid that what I have to say isn't interesting enough, and I hate editing my work. So I am going to just write please excuse the lack of proof reading.

I have started a journey to better health, by joining a gym and Spark People. Tracking my food was helpful but it seemed to take me so much time so I fell off that wagon, need to start again since it lead to more mindful eating. Trips to the gym have been hard to stay consistent with since it is summer and I am not in town all the time. Then the cycle of guilt starts which leads to an interest in just quitting - then I can live in ignorance of my behavior again. AND how am I ever going to do this when I start classes again in the fall!?!?!

 I thought life was going to get easier as I got older, and NO I just have tons of additional issues . . . like I want to eat healthy, and environmentally well - so I am checking fruit for where it came from, nothing from Chili or Europe (bananas are an exception to this rule since they can't be local). So since I am on the east coast I look for apples from NY and strawberries from FL.  When I can't find regionally sourced food should I let go of my desire to be healthy in deference to the environment??  And this type of argument is found in other parts of my life too - try to clean out a closet - I end up with piles for local thrift, trash, save for later etc I am always trying to reduce what goes to the landfill - which sometimes leaves me with even more clutter in my house - GRRR!!!!  I need to find balance and a way to forgive myself for not being the perfect human I want to be, oh goodie another self discovery journey, well that is today's rant thanks for listening

Exercise, sweat, and Pain oh my

So I have taken the plunge and joined a gym.  To stick to a work out plan you need to enjoy it and I actually enjoy the gym. I like all the choices, and I love the classes. I took a class called BodyFlow this week. BodyFlow  is a yoga/Pilates/tai chi hybrid  and it was fun and challenging without making me feel  lacking.  The time on the treadmill and elliptical this week has been empowering, and I have been progressing at about the right pace I think – a little muscle soreness, a lot of sweat and still having fun.  I hope to stay on track this time and make the ‘life change’ because this roller coaster isn’t any fun.  So here is to the gestating new me – I can’t wait to see how she turns out . . . .

Outdoors

                It turns out that time in the quiet outdoors helps me think, and keeps me healthy.  Yesterday, I went for a jog, well mostly a walk I am overweight, over forty, and asthmatic so jogging is really hard – but I decided I was going to solve the overweight problem hence the walk/jog.  My youngest, 9 yr old girl, Happy had her riding lesson and I enjoyed walking around in the woods. I have trouble exercising indoors, or along roads I really prefer to be in nature. I was restarting the C25K program, which I had done before and I was impressed with how good I felt through the first few jogging sections.  It was great, fresh air, animals, birds, and plants but of course after the fourth transition from walking to jogging,  I couldn’t jog the 5^th section. Having a heart attack I tried to get control of my breathing, and told myself I was off the couch and moving. Eventually I ran through a few more of the transitions, and had to move on to hollow platitudes about personal achievement. I didn’t believe my inner voice – but I was upright and moving until the timer stopped!  

                Here is to getting off the couch and into the woods!!! 

So in my continuing quest to decide what I want to be when I grow up I have returned to school. My spouse will (hopefully) be retiring in a year or so at which point I get to become the breadwinner and he can be my bitch wife/homemaker. I already have a BS in business so I am getting some certificates in contracting, and logistics - those seemed like good fields to get some knowledge in.  The classes are at a community college which is great, they are close and inexpensive (as far as college goes). Getting an MBA was out of the question because of the expense. All in all the return to school experience was good - but my house is a disaster.


Even in a good week cleaning is NOT my thing, so when I could avoid it by doing homework, lets just say that is a higher education bonus. So I hope now that school is done until fall that I can get my house under control.


My oldest daughter is out of control - I think that will be the topic for next blog. I am going to try writing 3-4 times a week. I think that will help me to stay in mental condition for school, and it will be good me time. Ah if I could learn to see exercise as me time - ha another blog idea :-) 

Vibrating toys/tools

I am sitting here out of breath, and a little shaky as I drink my ice water. Let me walk you through my day so you can know how I came to be this relaxed (although I did need an aspirin). I had to drop the kids off at school, late - because I am having trouble sleeping. My spouse is away at a training event for a month, and I don't sleep well when he is gone.  I was scheduled to volunteer at the school book fair, but it was early so I went on a short errand and bought a wonderful, powerful, 14 inch toy - that I needed. It was recommended to me and I was pleased with the purchase. I hurried to the book fair, wondering if I would get all my errands done, and return home before the kids. Then I thought it might be dangerous to try my new toy out, what if the kids came home and found me in a bad way.

The book fair was busy, so my mind was busy. The next errand was to go get groceries, and there was an accident so the traffic took awhile. When I made it home Drama Queen was waiting having forgotten her key, fortunately she did help put the food away. Then it was outside to start up my new toy, after a quick read over the directions (I mean really how difficult can this be - men do it!?!?).  I fired up my brand new chain saw and started cutting down the scrub oak saplings that were causing trouble by shading my garden.

While I found it easy to down the trees, aiming the fall took a little skill. I took down seven of the rather small trees, and cut the trunks into small logs for my fire pit, before my arms were too tired from the vibrations to be safe. Drama Queen was kind enough to stand by with the phone in case I accidentally removed one of my limbs.  She was worried by the way I laughed (she said cackled) as I wielded the wonderful toy.  Wow what a day!!!  I think I'll get a motorcycle next ;~)

Yoga - and other naturally unnatural things

A friend (sadly my only friend, living here) found a weekly Yoga class and invited me to join with her. Sounded fun, I have tried doing Yoga with a TV exercise show ad I enjoyed it, and like most things I bet live and in person is better than by video.

I was not disappointed, class is lots of fun, I needed a little equipment - mat, 2 blocks, and a strap, fortunately my birthday was coming and the stuff only costs around $30.  So Yoga is about stretching, breathing and getting all the fluid in your body to flow better, at least this is what I have learned so far, probably a little simple but your with me so far.  I have also learned that I am more flexible than my fat will allow, and all my belly fat makes breathing in some positions a little difficult. Thankfully the class is full of normal people so I am comfortable stretching and trying.

So I have found something for me to do regularly, and even if I won't give it priority, my oldest daughter will. Last week as I am trying to get dinner in the kids, homework done, kitchen cleaned, and changed for Yoga - drama Queen (my oldest @ 11) comes in the kitchen to find me wiping off the stove top.

"When is Yoga class?"  asks drama Queen.

I glance up at the clock, "In 10 minuted, guess I'll miss it," I sigh.

"Mom, this isn't important, and you like Yoga, GO change," replies drama Queen forcefully.

And so I made it to Yoga, a little late, but I made it and had an important lesson reinforced by my lovely daughter - I am worth taking some time for, motherhood isn't martyrdom.