Misery might love company, but I am not interested in your company.

Misery might love company, but I am not interested in your company.

You know those people who have to one up every statement you make. I get it sometimes you do know more than me – rarely but it does happen. So I have been married 16 years all of those years we were in the Army, I grew up an Army Brat and I am over 40 with 2 kids both teens at this point – what are the chances that a 24 year old has more general knowledge than me about being an Army anything? Yet, you continue to go on and on about Army life not letting me get a word in edge wise.

Also recently there was a senior spouse,(which means the wife of a senior military member, these folks have at least 15 years of military service and have earned their way to a high rank where they have (theoretically) influence in the military) was misbehaving in a public forum where the wife of The Sergeant Major of the Army (yes you got that right there is only ONE of these in the entire Army so he is that important) was kind enough to come talk to a group of spouses about what to expect in the Army and ask about what issues she should focus on in her work to make our lives better. Well this heifer thought it meant she could air out her grievances about the Military as a whole and chose this moment to whine about how unhappy she is here at this post. SERIOUSLY!!! Don’t get me wrong I have been known to shut down an entire discussion panel when asked my opinion, which had to do with scheduling and why our soldiers couldn’t have a schedule that was generally stable and in place for a 3 day lead time, not changing on a nightly basis. I DO NOT expect the Army to make me personally happy at every duty station, like this gal seemed to think was her right.

Why did these 2 things set me off down ranter’s lane? I think it was because there just doesn’t seem to be anyplace that is safe from the stupid. I get the young wife thinks her situation is special, and after 5-10 years of service she (hopefully) will get that her ‘issues’ are just what the Army is about. BUT the other one should have enough time in the Army as spouse, or enough years under her belt (yup, I said it are you an adult?), or maybe just real world experience to know and understand that you don’t tell an auditorium full of strangers that you are miserable then pout and stomp your feet.  In the end the most frustrating thing is neither one will listen when people try to help – young wife has a long list of reasons why my advice won’t work in her super special situation – and senior wife had not taken time to join any of the social events, classes, or gatherings that are open and offered at every post I have ever been at. In the end I want to tell folks like this that being miserable is a choice and if you really are unhappy do something about it, join a class, ask friends for help, HELL go make friends and if all else fails leave, move, divorce change your life. BUT for God’s sake stop expecting the rest of us to give a damn that you wallow in your misery!!!

Anger, Sadness, and Laughter

Anger, Sadness and Laughter

Today we had our Ostara ritual. I have had trouble getting the other ritualists to do their work, to my satisfaction. Yesterday I was really upset about it, and the computer wouldn't work for me to e-mail a final draft to everyone, then I would get more pissed realizing that they wouldn't read it or print it for themselves anyway!! So I was in quite a bad mood when I fell asleep.

I got up this morning and the anger was mostly gone as I ran around getting the last items ready and loaded in my van. Then I realized that I hadn't started the brisket last night like I was supposed to – and it was 1 hour to ritual set up!! CRAP!! My friend suggested I pick up rotisserie chicken on my way to the ritual – good idea. (the fact that I couldn't think of that as a solution, tells you what a mess I was)  AND as I completed the last chores and got in the van I realized the God/dess was pointing out that even those who are putting forth their best effort sometimes fall short. I need to be easier in my thoughts of others and of myself.

In the car as all the stress flowed out of me I was crying a little, as I often do.  I could feel myself at the edge of the sadness – sometimes it overtakes me and sometimes I can stay ahead of it. I was hanging by my fingernails, and even thought “WOW, I am glad I keep my nails long!”, as we arrived at the ritual spot.

We unloaded the van and cars and started to set up, I was trying to keep busy and not get overwhelmed by my tears. Everyone was setting up and laughing and chatting and just enjoying the moment with each other. I realized that this is what it is about, togetherness, laughter, support.  No one cared if it was perfect or even really deep they were here in the moment. I could actually feel myself lightening.

Ritual went well, we had a guided meditation about releasing insecurities, jealousy, anger, fear, and self-doubt. With each phase I felt lighter, it was great. After ritual there was an egg hunt, and feast of course. We had fun and at the end of it all I was warm, full, happy and ready for a nap. So thank you to our circle members, thank you to the animals we evoked, and thank you to the Goddess for the joyous day and new revelations. 

White-Knuckle through it

White- Knuckle through it

So it has been about 2 years since I had a real panic attack and today it took me a little off guard. I was surprised by it because I am generally happy, and for the most part life is going well – so where the hell did this come from?? For me generally a panic attack is a racing heart and a general fear response, having been through a few I have learned that; NO, this isn’t a heart attack, and No I will not die. The first time I had a panic attack I did think it was a heart attack, racing heart, sweat pouring from all of me, and the fear was really overwhelming, which of course loops back in on itself as you are sure you are dying!! The sweat is strange I had sweat dripping from the crease of my elbow!?!  My, fear is not specific, I know some people have a fear of going out of the house – but mine is really general.  I guess in some ways that is why I can ‘white-knuckle’ my way through it, push myself through my day and take deep breathes as needed.

Today I didn’t really need to be anywhere, but I had plans so I put my shoes on, and faced the door, fear rising heart rate going up, and decided I needed to go get a drink before I left. I filled a cup with ice, and my Crystal Light raspberry green tea mix, lid, straw – and the activity wore off the energy and OK I will try again. Grab a jacket, purse, drink and as I turned to get my keys off the hook, heart rate rising fear coming on – damn this isn’t going to work!!

I gave in and stayed in. Husband came home for lunch and asked me about the errands I was supposed to run and I told him no I had a panic attack and decided to stay in and watch TV instead. The look on his face made me realize that my white – knuckle coping had also left me not telling him how my life is sometimes. He looked worried about me and asked if there was anything he could do to help – I wonder if he would have always been this thoughtful. Before this exchange I would have told you he would scoff at such a thing as a panic attack and he would demand that I “get over myself”, I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought. This year has been full of surprises about myself, him, and our relationship.

I am posting this, 4 weeks after the attack and I have not had another one – but I do think as I look back that it would be nice to have a job so that I have to leave the house and be somewhere, even if it requires white-knuckle days.