Melancholy with a side of Apathy

So the plan to do 14 hours of work a week fell a little short, I think I managed to do about 5 hours each of the 2 past weeks. Most of the work was organizing and getting projects started, necessary but not really challenging. The fear of failure is a big part of my problem - you see if I actually list items for sale and they don't sell well I would consider that judgement of me. I think the reality is to get enough going on the page to drive searches to it, so if I can list 3 new items a week it should keep my page active.


I also did some online tarot readings for free, to check my skill level and see how long write ups take. It has gone well, I think I will continue to do a few a week and then ask these folks to write reviews on my page when I make a post for readings.


I have spent quite a bit of time avoiding any type of work housework, organizing after the move, work on sale items, or even Ebay/thrift shop sale stuff. Avoidance by watching lots of Netflix and playing silly app games on the Ipad - that type of lethargy ends up with sad and/or angry thoughts rolling through my head. Generally a trip to the gym helps but it is summer and we don't tend to get up and going around here - ugh APATHY. . . .


SO to keep my store plans on track I think I need to make time for the gym - objects in motion stay in motion and objects at rest stay at rest!!

New time management - 14 hours of shop work, minimum of 3 trips to the gym, and 5 hours of work toward finding a job.

Joined a gym!!!

So I picked a gym, AnyTime Fitness. They are close, small, you get 24 hour access and I am enjoying going in the morning. I started out well with 4 trips to the gym the first week of my membership, then 3 or 2 times in ensuing weeks. I am a fat, asthmatic, over forty, uncoordinated lady so the gym is really an adventure for me.  All that said I go for the great way it all makes me feel and I give a crap what others at the place think. It amazes me the people who won't join a gym because they are afraid of the people at the gym judging them - REALLY!?! I go the other direction where I feel like all the regulars look at me and think, "WOW look at her dedication!", and "She is amazing, look how strong she is!" Now if you remember that I am uncoordinated, really bad like we are lucky I can walk and talk - which I can't always I have to stop and think often , seeing me at the gym is more like witnessing a lady having a seizure, perhaps to the song in her earbuds but definitely NOT elegant. To the great credit of the members of AnyTime Fitness so far I have not seen anyone laughing at me, and thanks to the earbuds I can't hear them :-)    Besides you should really worry about the people you see the other 20 hours of the day, those are the ones I sometimes let get to me - I just know the look that covers an inner dialouge of, "Look at the fat slob! She should really try harder!" At the gym I am trying so I expect to get credit for it then. The weight loss game is won or lost depending on whose voice I hear in my head after 8 pm - the Go You or the Wow you suck - because it can lead to grazing. That is the gym update, maybe there will even be weight loss.

In the process of interviewing for a job, which only involves 48 hours of work a month - BUT it pays really well and it is part of a program I really love - more to come later. 

I am writing this after the gym and shower, and just before I have to run to the commissary (grocery store for you non-military folks), so I gotta go.

You Have Failed . . .

As I said before we are watching Arrow, when he confronts criminals he tells them "You have failed this city." It has left me worrying about where and how I fail which can be so many ways depending on the moment, currently it is myself I have failed.

I have gained weight here and in spite of my best efforts at making excuses they are just that excuses, so I have a plan - famous last words if ever there were - Join a gym. WOW revolutionary right?!? There are 2 gyms near by and I have looked at both, until recently we could't afford it BUT we sold our house so now we only pay rent and utilities on one house instead of two - it frees up a little money. Seems straight forward join gym, work out, feel better, lose weight right? Oh but wait you underestimate my ability to procrastinate - I have to decide which gym is better for me. I like classes and neither one has morning classes - I really like a 9 am class starts the day off, gets ya going, check work out off the to do list. I am going by tomorrow to see if they will give me a trial month before I am tied into a whole year contract - or maybe I just need to pull the trigger and start running at the gym. OH I might meet someone to work out with, that would be fun. In the end that is what I need for the work out to be fun.

Then there is job hunting, UGH I hate writing a resume and then re-writing the resume, then editing it for each job type . . .it is endless. Here most entry jobs are paying $8 - $13 not really much money if I have to spend so many hours editing the resume just to get interviews and rejections - and they are part time jobs so really not much money. I get paralyzed with fear as I try to edit the resume and find just the right wording to prove my ability to learn any job and be a great employee, and frankly it is demeaning to get turned down for a minimum wage entry level job :-(. I have a degree and experience in several fields, and I love to work I am a really dedicated employee - so rejection hurts my self esteem in big ways. SOLUTION work on job search for 4 hours a day. It is enough time to make progress while I don't have to feel like I am wasting all my time. You see job hunting here hasn't historically been a fruitful endeavor, I end up bitter and sad with no hobbies or friends because I was spending all my energy on a mythical job search.

Wish me luck!!!

Back to the Gym

So I have been trying to lose weight for – well since I turned 12 and I am 44 now so . . .you do the math. After 40, with 2 kids and a couple bouts of depression, where I stayed in bed for months I was in really bad physical condition and I decided to make a change. It took 2 years of trying different workout methods, and eating plans before I realized that I couldn’t make myself work hard enough to change alone – I got a trainer 3x a week and she made me hurt every day. I love her – she saved my life.

 It took 12 months to lose 50 pounds, and then we moved. So I lost my gym, my grocery store, and my workout buddies. I got settled and started again – thankfully I didn’t gain any of the weight back, unfortunately I didn’t keep making progress either. So here I sit with really another 50 pounds to lose to be healthy, again trying to make a go of it on my own. (I hear the song “All By Myself” playing, hmmm).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3j_fdSpkmE

A local friend is a runner and got me to try a race with giant inflatables.

http://insaneinflatable5k.com/obstacles/

 I started the couch to 5k program using this app so that I wouldn’t slow down the real runners too much.

It went well in 4 weeks I got to where I could run for 90 second intervals at a pretty good pace. On day one of the program my 60 second run on a treadmill showed my heart rate going to 188,(might have been close to a heart attack, but since I didn’t pass out it’s all good) by the fourth week I was running faster and my heart rate only made it to 170 and my recovery was much faster. We did 3.5 miles with 11 obstacles in just under an hour – not bad for newbies.

We finished the race and I didn’t have another one on the calendar so I didn’t run for 3 weeks – I walked and did the elliptical but it was a half-assed effort. Truth be told I really dislike running, but I found it was an easy way to knock out 300+ calories in 30 minutes, then 30 minutes on core work and some weight lifting and you have real progress in 1 hour. I returned reluctantly to the gym, and decided to start again at week 1 but day 3, I thought maybe I had a little conditioning left – WOW I was shocked I ran the whole routine at my faster speeds and without any extra recovery time, and no slowing down WOO-HOO!!!

I am back to the gym, on my way to being in great shape!!

Depression is so sneaky

Depression is so sneaky

I have had a relationship with depression for most of my life, it took me to the age of 35 to realize it was real, and not my fault. I spent the early years thinking it was something I could power through – and to some extent I still feel this way. I spent some years on medications, like so many people these days, for just over 2 years I have been off medications.  It is hard to have a flaw you can’t control you can only mitigate its effect on your life, but I have found ways to work through the dark days.

So let’s look at what depression looks like for me this week; my mother died suddenly 6 months ago and I worry a lot about my dad, his elderly dog passed away a few days ago, and we are getting sent overseas to Korea with the military for 2 years - -lots of big things to deal with not to mention the little things of everyday life with teens.  I find myself battling that tired achy feeling, I have learned over the years this isn’t a bug or germ manifesting in me there is no reason to go to bed and wait to get better. In the past that was what I did, but that can take months and no real sickness arrives just more lethargy. Inactivity feeds on itself and you can end up in bed for a long time, that is how depression sneaks back into your life. What would help is going to the gym, get feel good hormones flowing and get sweaty – but I am not there yet. For the last 2 days I have pushed on through the fog and exhausted feelings to get stuff done and so far I still have my head above water, my face is sometimes covered in tears but I am pressing on.

I have gone out to my volunteer job this week, and took the kids to an art exhibit. Today laundry is getting done and dinner is in the works. The final push really is that trip to the gym, it makes all the difference for my mood – even when I cry while I work out, hey it happens!! When I was young it seemed I could just cry it all out then move on, but I have found that in this decade tears lead to more tears. Let’s hope I get to the gym, and turn the corner.