Joined a gym!!!

So I picked a gym, AnyTime Fitness. They are close, small, you get 24 hour access and I am enjoying going in the morning. I started out well with 4 trips to the gym the first week of my membership, then 3 or 2 times in ensuing weeks. I am a fat, asthmatic, over forty, uncoordinated lady so the gym is really an adventure for me.  All that said I go for the great way it all makes me feel and I give a crap what others at the place think. It amazes me the people who won't join a gym because they are afraid of the people at the gym judging them - REALLY!?! I go the other direction where I feel like all the regulars look at me and think, "WOW look at her dedication!", and "She is amazing, look how strong she is!" Now if you remember that I am uncoordinated, really bad like we are lucky I can walk and talk - which I can't always I have to stop and think often , seeing me at the gym is more like witnessing a lady having a seizure, perhaps to the song in her earbuds but definitely NOT elegant. To the great credit of the members of AnyTime Fitness so far I have not seen anyone laughing at me, and thanks to the earbuds I can't hear them :-)    Besides you should really worry about the people you see the other 20 hours of the day, those are the ones I sometimes let get to me - I just know the look that covers an inner dialouge of, "Look at the fat slob! She should really try harder!" At the gym I am trying so I expect to get credit for it then. The weight loss game is won or lost depending on whose voice I hear in my head after 8 pm - the Go You or the Wow you suck - because it can lead to grazing. That is the gym update, maybe there will even be weight loss.

In the process of interviewing for a job, which only involves 48 hours of work a month - BUT it pays really well and it is part of a program I really love - more to come later. 

I am writing this after the gym and shower, and just before I have to run to the commissary (grocery store for you non-military folks), so I gotta go.

Tossed under the bus . . .

Right now I am writing my resume, can you tell? I was gathering my papers I have this folder that I have kept copies of my resumes through the years and letters of recommendation and cards of love and support from family and friends. I found it was a good place to go when I got sad and felt worthless. I could read all these letters that said I was responsible and a hard worker. Sometimes I forgot about my folder of attagirl, and those months would get dark . . . . Anyhow in the back I found my darkest day, orders leaving Oregon.

Once upon a time I was crazy happy in Salem, Oregon. I had friends, a purpose, I was on a great housekeeping schedule, I felt like I fit in - it was amazing. At the elementary school a ponytail and no makeup it was ok, hell it was standard Mom attire! Only problem, spouse was a recruiter and he was really unhappy, we had grown far apart and lived as roommates. We didn’t even communicate with notes, neither one knew what the other was doing in their life. Then it was time for him to return to the regular Army, he started to come back to me, the sarcastic loving guy I married started to show up at our house. We got our orders for Germany, *squee*, I love Germany. I was excited even though I would leave my home. One week before we were getting on the road they changed our orders – in a voice mail – to Ft Rucker, AL. Southern gals, inspite of the crazy melting humidity, to go everywhere-even the gym in make-up and with hair done. To say I hate Ft Rucker is a supreme understatement, I do not fit in there and we had been there 2x already. I cried for 3 days. I knew I had to make a choice, my marriage (kids were 7 and 3) or my happiness and that really is how I saw it. SO I made a sacrifice for my family, for my kids and returned to HELL.

I went to AL, and held it against him for the 2.5 years there and another 2 years at Ft Bragg, NC. It was pretty bad, I gave up. Actually laid down and gave up. I don’t even know if he could have done anything, at times I told myself that if he at least apologized for what the Army did, or admitted that I gave up so much for him then I could forgive him. LOL my husband isn’t good at sorry even when it is his fault much less for something he can’t control – but my twisted mind felt like there were words he could use to fix it. Like any good martyr I suffered for my cause, I stayed in bed for the better part of 2 years – yeah that’ll teach ‘em!!

When I started to get straight with my health and my mind a therapist asked me why did you leave Oregon? If you were happy there why didn’t you stay? I had to admit that if I had stayed we would have been divorced in a year, we were too far apart at that point and we needed to become husband and wife again. There are strong marriages that can take time apart, or even damaged ones like ours (he was deployed 2x while I continued to hold vigil) can make it if you are together in theory. If I had stayed I would have declared my independence physically when I was already living it mentally. So while he was in Afghanistan the second time I chose to get better. We were supposed to retire in a year so I would get to go back to Oregon and have a career – the kids were 13 and 10 they could function without me. He would retire and be an at home Dad while I got a career. I had a happy family picture in my mind all of my suffering was over my reward earned.

The Army did it again, while deployed he made the Sergeant Major (SGM) list and called to tell me we were going to Ft Bliss for a year and then he had to spend another 4 years in the Army to retire at SGM. I really didn’t know what to do, OH the rollercoaster of emotions. I could go to Oregon and start a life with the kids and he could join us when he retired, I could stay in NC and see where he went after school. I wanted my family intact, but wasn’t ready to trade my soul again. I am nothing if not dramatic! Once again I had a plan and here it was tossed under the bus.

I put on my big girl panties, it took me a couple of months to find them. I was pleasantly surprised that they were too big, while getting healthy I lost 50 lbs and 2 sizes. With new found pleasure at my healthy success I loaded up the family to move to Ft Bliss, TX for a whole 10 months. In Texas we discovered each other again. He came home for dinner and lunch and we laughed and enjoyed each other, both pleasantly surprised to find we were still in love. I let go of my martyrdom, and he forgave the years of passive aggressive behavior. I am a fool, I planned on getting to Ft Lewis, WA and starting my life 3 hours away in Oregon.  Thought we could have it all. Oh the Gods have a sense of humor.

I am writing this from Pyeongtaek South Korea. This time I got through my shock and dismay in about 24 hours and decided this was my overseas adventure that I had waited 8 years for, being a martyr did finally pay off.   

Back to the Gym

So I have been trying to lose weight for – well since I turned 12 and I am 44 now so . . .you do the math. After 40, with 2 kids and a couple bouts of depression, where I stayed in bed for months I was in really bad physical condition and I decided to make a change. It took 2 years of trying different workout methods, and eating plans before I realized that I couldn’t make myself work hard enough to change alone – I got a trainer 3x a week and she made me hurt every day. I love her – she saved my life.

 It took 12 months to lose 50 pounds, and then we moved. So I lost my gym, my grocery store, and my workout buddies. I got settled and started again – thankfully I didn’t gain any of the weight back, unfortunately I didn’t keep making progress either. So here I sit with really another 50 pounds to lose to be healthy, again trying to make a go of it on my own. (I hear the song “All By Myself” playing, hmmm).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3j_fdSpkmE

A local friend is a runner and got me to try a race with giant inflatables.

http://insaneinflatable5k.com/obstacles/

 I started the couch to 5k program using this app so that I wouldn’t slow down the real runners too much.

It went well in 4 weeks I got to where I could run for 90 second intervals at a pretty good pace. On day one of the program my 60 second run on a treadmill showed my heart rate going to 188,(might have been close to a heart attack, but since I didn’t pass out it’s all good) by the fourth week I was running faster and my heart rate only made it to 170 and my recovery was much faster. We did 3.5 miles with 11 obstacles in just under an hour – not bad for newbies.

We finished the race and I didn’t have another one on the calendar so I didn’t run for 3 weeks – I walked and did the elliptical but it was a half-assed effort. Truth be told I really dislike running, but I found it was an easy way to knock out 300+ calories in 30 minutes, then 30 minutes on core work and some weight lifting and you have real progress in 1 hour. I returned reluctantly to the gym, and decided to start again at week 1 but day 3, I thought maybe I had a little conditioning left – WOW I was shocked I ran the whole routine at my faster speeds and without any extra recovery time, and no slowing down WOO-HOO!!!

I am back to the gym, on my way to being in great shape!!