My time should be mine!!

So I am doing a poor job of getting to all the time management goals I set for myself - as always I am a work in progress :-\


This is more of a rant about people - friends and family who act as though their time and busy schedule are important enough to cause me to adjust my life to accommodate them. I have a friend that needs me more than I feel is necessary - she has anxiety issues and expects others help her. I want to be supportive but I have my own life and schedule to keep.

Then there is my father - my mother died a few years ago and she was the one who kept all family connection. Dad has a new girl friend and they travel often, and he spends time with her family who lives close to them. He can't seem to find the will/interest to come and visit my family.


Ok so I was too mad about time to make a post that made sense - and now this is a new week!!! Not that anyone is respectful of my time but maybe I can become respectful of my time.

Today Monday I went to the gym this morning and I swam when I got home and I am planning on going to the Zumba class tonight. I figure I may as well do what I want and take care of myself. We will see if that leads to any better health.

Melancholy with a side of Apathy

So the plan to do 14 hours of work a week fell a little short, I think I managed to do about 5 hours each of the 2 past weeks. Most of the work was organizing and getting projects started, necessary but not really challenging. The fear of failure is a big part of my problem - you see if I actually list items for sale and they don't sell well I would consider that judgement of me. I think the reality is to get enough going on the page to drive searches to it, so if I can list 3 new items a week it should keep my page active.


I also did some online tarot readings for free, to check my skill level and see how long write ups take. It has gone well, I think I will continue to do a few a week and then ask these folks to write reviews on my page when I make a post for readings.


I have spent quite a bit of time avoiding any type of work housework, organizing after the move, work on sale items, or even Ebay/thrift shop sale stuff. Avoidance by watching lots of Netflix and playing silly app games on the Ipad - that type of lethargy ends up with sad and/or angry thoughts rolling through my head. Generally a trip to the gym helps but it is summer and we don't tend to get up and going around here - ugh APATHY. . . .


SO to keep my store plans on track I think I need to make time for the gym - objects in motion stay in motion and objects at rest stay at rest!!

New time management - 14 hours of shop work, minimum of 3 trips to the gym, and 5 hours of work toward finding a job.

Wasting time

I listen to a LOT of podcasts. Easily 4 hours a day, some days 6 to 8 hours of listening. They cover lots of stuff too so I feel like I am learning while doing house work, and having background noise keeps me focused. We don't have cable so the T.V. we watch is all streaming. You might think this would make me more productive - BUT no it leads to binge watching.

Today I am listening Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People, a show where the host Chris Gethard talks for an hour to someone about anything they want the only rule is they have to stay anonymous. The show I listened to is

https://soundcloud.com/beautiful-anonymous/8-running-down-a-stapler

(obviously I need to figure out how to embed a link GRRR, sorry)


The caller says he has written 18,000 songs. He talks about doing the work - whatever you want do it often, push out quantity and work long and hard to get it done. That the time and effort will lead to some level of success. This is sage advice we know that to succeed you have to fail, the people who succeed get there by getting up and pressing on.

Hmm, so I need to pick something to focus on and do everyday for year. This effort should lead to some sort of success. I know!!! my Etsy shop - I will work for an minimum of 2 hours everyday on my shop, so 14 hours a week (very doable) and I will see where it leads.

Joined a gym!!!

So I picked a gym, AnyTime Fitness. They are close, small, you get 24 hour access and I am enjoying going in the morning. I started out well with 4 trips to the gym the first week of my membership, then 3 or 2 times in ensuing weeks. I am a fat, asthmatic, over forty, uncoordinated lady so the gym is really an adventure for me.  All that said I go for the great way it all makes me feel and I give a crap what others at the place think. It amazes me the people who won't join a gym because they are afraid of the people at the gym judging them - REALLY!?! I go the other direction where I feel like all the regulars look at me and think, "WOW look at her dedication!", and "She is amazing, look how strong she is!" Now if you remember that I am uncoordinated, really bad like we are lucky I can walk and talk - which I can't always I have to stop and think often , seeing me at the gym is more like witnessing a lady having a seizure, perhaps to the song in her earbuds but definitely NOT elegant. To the great credit of the members of AnyTime Fitness so far I have not seen anyone laughing at me, and thanks to the earbuds I can't hear them :-)    Besides you should really worry about the people you see the other 20 hours of the day, those are the ones I sometimes let get to me - I just know the look that covers an inner dialouge of, "Look at the fat slob! She should really try harder!" At the gym I am trying so I expect to get credit for it then. The weight loss game is won or lost depending on whose voice I hear in my head after 8 pm - the Go You or the Wow you suck - because it can lead to grazing. That is the gym update, maybe there will even be weight loss.

In the process of interviewing for a job, which only involves 48 hours of work a month - BUT it pays really well and it is part of a program I really love - more to come later. 

I am writing this after the gym and shower, and just before I have to run to the commissary (grocery store for you non-military folks), so I gotta go.

You Have Failed . . .

As I said before we are watching Arrow, when he confronts criminals he tells them "You have failed this city." It has left me worrying about where and how I fail which can be so many ways depending on the moment, currently it is myself I have failed.

I have gained weight here and in spite of my best efforts at making excuses they are just that excuses, so I have a plan - famous last words if ever there were - Join a gym. WOW revolutionary right?!? There are 2 gyms near by and I have looked at both, until recently we could't afford it BUT we sold our house so now we only pay rent and utilities on one house instead of two - it frees up a little money. Seems straight forward join gym, work out, feel better, lose weight right? Oh but wait you underestimate my ability to procrastinate - I have to decide which gym is better for me. I like classes and neither one has morning classes - I really like a 9 am class starts the day off, gets ya going, check work out off the to do list. I am going by tomorrow to see if they will give me a trial month before I am tied into a whole year contract - or maybe I just need to pull the trigger and start running at the gym. OH I might meet someone to work out with, that would be fun. In the end that is what I need for the work out to be fun.

Then there is job hunting, UGH I hate writing a resume and then re-writing the resume, then editing it for each job type . . .it is endless. Here most entry jobs are paying $8 - $13 not really much money if I have to spend so many hours editing the resume just to get interviews and rejections - and they are part time jobs so really not much money. I get paralyzed with fear as I try to edit the resume and find just the right wording to prove my ability to learn any job and be a great employee, and frankly it is demeaning to get turned down for a minimum wage entry level job :-(. I have a degree and experience in several fields, and I love to work I am a really dedicated employee - so rejection hurts my self esteem in big ways. SOLUTION work on job search for 4 hours a day. It is enough time to make progress while I don't have to feel like I am wasting all my time. You see job hunting here hasn't historically been a fruitful endeavor, I end up bitter and sad with no hobbies or friends because I was spending all my energy on a mythical job search.

Wish me luck!!!

Christmas and Global warming

Wholly Shit is it HOT!!! It is December 30th and this last week we had high temperatures around 80 degrees with humidity over 80% it is sticky and nasty. For the week of Christmas we had hot weather, and several tornado warnings. This is Satan's armpit. It is hot, moist and sticky here ALL THE TIME!!!  Funny thing that also ties into my theory on why they are SO religious here - this kind of intimacy with Satan confirms his existence. Oh and the rain I have to keep draining the pool before it overflows some how the rain and draining pool aren't leaving standing water in the back yard - gotta wonder where it all goes?? I am worried that the trees are going to lose their grip on the mud back there and fall, or maybe a hell mouth will open up and demons will walk out. Either situation will lead to more work for me.

Grandpa was going to fly in for Christmas, he only comes for visits of 2-3 days (that includes flight days so he was arriving on the 24th and leaving on the 26th - why bother? And it was like God got the memo cause 4 hours before we were going to pick him up at the airport he called to say he couldn't make it. I was angry that he was visiting for such a short amount of time, then oddly didn't really care when he canceled. Maybe that was because I knew it wasn't his fault that he wasn't going to make it - well not directly his fault but who travels on Dec 24th if they don't need too?!?

The up side to the wet weather - Binge watching Netflix!!  I am into Criminal Minds (which I had not watched before) and we are going through the comics based shows right now The Flash and Arrow.  I am a bit of a wimp so it is surprising that Criminal Minds doesn't leave me sleepless and whimpering in a corner. It is a scary look at the depravity of humanity, but wow I like the characters. Reid the young super genius is fun, and Morgan is nice eye candy. Hope your Yule is Merry and Bright!!

Trying to settle in

I mean to write really I do, it seems all my great ideas occur in the shower and I don't have a computer or a note pad ready when I am wet and naked . . . .

It is Yule or here they call it Christmas :-). Kids settled in and spouse is enjoying his job, I do well in fits and starts. My Army wife duties are plenty here (don't get me wrong they don't make me do anything) and I like the ladies (no male spouses present yet) that are involved. The weather is as always a challenge for me, you see I like it cold and that doesn't happen here for example today is December 16th and the temperature range according to iPhone is 49 - 65. For me that is a nice fall day, but at least it is cold enough to put on pants, and even a light jacket if you wear short sleeves.

With the back to back to back moves I am having real trouble getting unpacked, at least that is the excuse I am using this year. I went from trying to get the house organized to just shove it all in a cupboard and decorate for the holiday. The Holiday I decorated for was Halloween, which I am happy to report did get put away, now I am trying to get Christmas out. It seems most of the Brigade planned on getting their events done in the first 2 weeks of December so it has been non-stop. Funny thing about that I really enjoy the actual social functions - it is just the pre-event doings that stress me. AND to make it worse I have gained 15 pounds - so clothes are tight and it is not cold enough to layer and hide the lumps UGH!!

Most of all I have confirmation that I am actually allergic to this place!! Wait, wait, -hear me out; I am back on Zyrtec and Singular daily and if I miss a dose I have trouble breathing the next day. My skin is a wreck it is really bad - all the facial scars I have were earned here as an adult, when I move away skin gets better (but not perfect I am a little shinny naturally). Eyes, and nose run all the time, I should have bought stock in Kleenex before we moved. And my ears itch, it is a really strange feeling and I am sure at some point I will jab something in there and cause an ER visit. All of this and it is winter, sorta I mean at least there shouldn't be new stuff blooming right?!? I have even started to try and track if rain helps to clear the air making breathing easier but that doesn't seem to work. In addition to whatever is causing the trouble I learned over the blistering heat of August that humidity makes it hard to breathe. Yup loving the 11 months of summer they have here!

The Move

I wrote this with no preamble - so here goes. We got orders to leave Korea and move to Ft Rucker AL after only 11 months in Korea. That makes 3 moves for my family in 23 months. We have been to Ft Rucker before, 3x before to be exact and I hate it. You will learn all the reasons why as the posts pile up. Here is a bit about the actual move in July.

Ha-ha-ha you can't believe the fun. We were supposed to fly on 12 July and got to the Airport at 7am left Humphreys at 5am, our flight was set for 1135. The united desk opened at 840AM and we found out the dog and crate were 1kg over weight that is 2.4 lbs and the guy called the us 3x to get an exception to policy and they would not give it to us. In Korea they don't do pets so we had no way to get back to Humphreys, we had to call a soldier to bring the mail van to get us. Oh and the 12th was Sunday so no one at the airport could help us. To be overweight he needed to go as cargo and it takes them 10 days to process it, and the health certificates are only good for 10 days and our SOFA stamps were going to expire, plus we were living in a hotel with no car borrowing from people for everything. 

We went back to the Hump Sunday night and then on Monday redid paperwork and certificates, reworked the tickets, and found a lighter crate then shaved plastic off the crate all night Monday so we could fly on Tue. It must have terrified the guy at the counter when he came in and saw us again. Hemi was a great ambassador for large dogs having Koreans pet him all day Sunday and Tuesday - because the bus goes to the airport at 6am and our flight wasn't until 435pm (the pets can ride that one bus from Humphreys underneath with the luggage in their crates - Mooshu is in therapy). Our new flight went to SFO where you have to pick up everything go through customs then recheck everything even the pets to get back on the next flight to Reagan - they couldn't get us to Richmond because the dog crate would not fit on that plane. So we left the hotel then about 30 hours landed in VA and got to drive 2 hours to Richmond. Dad picked us up but we filled the mini van and an SUV, that we rented from Alamo. Longest day ever!!!!

Kids, pets, luggage all made it we rested for 4 days and drove down to Alabama. Because we still own the house in NC we have to rent here and the choices are so sad. The first place we saw I told Mike I would cry everyday if I had to live there. It only got slightly better; we wanted 2000+ sq ft, 4 bed, 2 bath (the idea is the 4th bedrm could be an office). After living in 1700 3/2 for the last 2 years I just want some room to be able to get away from each other. The houses that size have had all the life rented out of them and need SO MUCH work, better places go fast like before I even hear about them. We found a house for rent by owner but she is moving ahead of the service member so she doesn't have any real pressure to go - the school year starts on Aug 6 so with out a property management company to hold her accountable I am worried she wont leave fast enough.  Our saving grace on that, there are several properties that come on the market in August - but I can't register the kids with out an address. So much fun in my life.

AND 7 years didn't help this place much, there are more shops and places to eat but there aren't jobs and I just hate the heat it was 106 today (that is the index real temp was at 93). It is hard to find positives I feel like this is a huge case of deja vu, I have been burned here trying to find positives before and then none of it works out and I end up so fed up, and done I am just going to embrace the bitter rage and work with that :-) 

So once they work out the lease, get kids in school I get to fly to El Paso and drive Mike's car back - then I can try to find a job. Our stuff should arrive in September the van then too - right now we are using Mom's van. So I have some stuff to keep me busy for a few months before the depression sinks in :-)

Our house is on the market with no renter for now, we are going to carry that until September before we search for a renter again. Makes our budget really tight should be a couple of fun months. 

Chusoek A Korean Harvest Festival

Chuseok is a 3 day harvest festival, celebrated on the 15th day of the 8th month of the lunar calendar which usually falls around the Autumn Equinox. Although the exact origin of Chuseok is unclear, the tradition can be traced back to ancient religious practices that centered around the significance of the moon. The sun’s presence was considered routine, but the full moon that came once a month, brightening the dark night, and was considered a special and meaningful event. The celebration is to give thanks to the ancestors for a great harvest and to share the bounty with your family, friends, and neighbors. Over 35 million Koreans will travel to their ancestral home over the holiday, the roads get very busy and train tickets sell out. Families that live off of the Military base received gifts of fresh fruit from their land lords, a Korean  working at my husband's office gave us a Korean pear. Pears, apples, and fresh rice are part of the feast at Chuseok.

There are three different ceremonies preformed as part of Chuseok; Bulcho, Seongmyo, and Charye. Bulcho is when families visit the graves of ancestors and clear away weeds and debris as a sign of devotion and respect for your family it is done about a month before Chuseok, but can happen after. Seongmyo is the actual visiting of the grave site and it involves a bowing ceremony. Charye is done at the home in front of an altar of food offered to the ancestors on the morning of Chuseok. Traditional Korean belief is that when people die they watch over their families for four generations, during this time they are seen as part of the family and the relationship is reaffirmed on special days. The ceremonies are to show appreciation and respect for the ancestors, who return to enjoy the holiday food prepared for them.

As with any ritual the setting of the altar space is important, I will share what I have found to be general rules please note that each region has some variables. For example in a Buddhist home spicy vegetables (garlic, chives, spicy peppers) would be avoided because it is believed that they disturb the spirits. A screen is placed to the north, with an altar/table before it. The spirits will visit from the north and enjoy their feast from behind the screen. On the north side of the table a wooden tablet (wipae) used to hold a paper (jibang) with the name, title, and place of origin of the ancestor written vertically in black. Sometimes the wipae is not used.  This is the honored place for that ancestor and as food is placed out it should be set so that the departed can eat from this position. Here is an example made all in wood.

The food is prepared to be beautiful, fresh, and taste wonderful. You want to serve your ancestors the best you have to offer. Special lacquered dishes are used to present the food which should be stacked tall and symmetrically. Food is arranged with the red foods to the east and white foods to the west, and each row is as follows; southern most row is dessert type goods so fruits, cakes, and cookies (what the ancestor would eat last); next row side dishes, vegetables, Kimchi, salted and fermented fish dishes, dried fish goes here too; next row toward the screen  is for soup there could be as few as 3 kinds or as many as 7 and a dish of soy sauce for seasoning, next are the meats - fish should have its head which points east and the back of the fish toward you so it is ready to be served to the honored guest; closest to the screen the main dish in Korean cuisine, that means rice, rice cakes and soup here there should be as many rice bowls as there are ancestors being honored. Pile the rice on high so it looks like a mound is sticking out of the bowl.

There are several traditional foods, I have copied their description from wikipedia;

One of the major foods prepared and eaten during the Chuseok holiday is songpyeon (송편),a Korean traditional rice cake which contains stuffing made with healthy ingredients such as sesame seeds, black beans, mung beans, cinnamon, pine nut, walnut, chestnut, jujube, and honey. When making songpyeon, steaming them over a layer of pine-needles is critical. The word “song”(송) in songpyeon means a pine tree in Korean. The pine needles not only contribute to songpyeon’s aromatic fragrance, but also its beauty and taste^[11][12] Songpyeon is also significant because of the meaning contained in its shape. Songpyeon’s rice skin itself resembles the shape of a full moon, but once it wraps the stuffing, its shape resembles the half-moon. Since the Three Kingdoms era in Korean history, there was a Korean legend saying that these two shapes ruled the destinies of the two greatest rival kingdoms, Baekje and Silla. During the era of King Uija of Baekje, an encrypted phrase, “Baekje is full-moon and Silla is half moon”, was found on a turtle’s back and it predicted the fall of the Baekje and the rise of the Silla. The prophecy came true when Silla defeated Baekje in their war. Ever since, Koreans started to refer to a half-moon shape as the indicator of the bright future or victory.^[13] Therefore, during Chuseok, families gather together and eat half-moon shaped Songpyeon under the full-moon, wishing themselves a brighter future.^[14] 

Another popular Korean traditional food that people eat during Chuseok is Hangwa. It is an artistic food decorated with natural colors and textured with patterns. Hangwa is made with highly nutritious ingredients, such as rice flour, honey, fruit, and roots. People use edible natural ingredients to express various colors, flavors, and tastes. Because of its decoration and nutrition, Koreans eat Hangwa not only during Chuseok, but also for special events, for instance, weddings, birthday parties, and marriages.^[15] The most famous types of Hangwa are Yakgwa, Yugwa, and Dasik. Yakgwa is a medicinal cookie which is made of fried rice flour dough ball and Yugwa is a fried cookie that also refers as a “flower of Hangwa”. Dasik is a tea cake that people enjoy with tea. 

Back to ritual set up:

Note the small table in front of the first here you place the drinks (Soju, boiled rice water, water), an incense bowl filled with sand and a bowl of sand. The burning incense represents heaven and the bowl of sand earth. You need to call upon both to recall the ancestors, as their spirits float in heaven while their bodies are buried in earth. There should be two candles placed on the main table. Now you are ready for the ritual.

The ceremony is usually run by the eldest male in a family, but this is changing I found a wonderful blog by an American woman married to a Korean man here is her Chuseok blog: 

The Soul of Seoul, Chuseok

The ritual is held first thing in the morning. The family bathes and men wear suits, women a conservative dress or traditional hanbok. The table is set, open the door and welcome the spirits. The eldest male lights the incense. Then he bows head to floor 2 times then kneels. Everyone else bows head to floor 2 times then one bow from the waist.  Soju is poured in a cup held by second oldest, then poured out in the sand this is done in an order of three; some places say 3 cups, some say pour in 3 sections. This is to symbolize the ancestors descent to the offering table. The next cup is poured then circled in the smoke 3 times then placed for spirits to drink. Each of the male family members makes a wine offering. Chopsticks are tapped on the table 3 times then placed on a dish, a spoon is placed in the rice, the concave part faces east, repeat for each spirit. Once the table is set everyone leaves for a few minutes for the spirits to eat in peace, then you return. When multiple generations are being honored the process can be repeated for each generation. Bow three times again replace soup bowl with water bowl, place 3 spoons of rice in water, cover dishes and discard wine. Bow 2 times and say goodbye, then the jibang (paper with name) is burned in the incense bowl. Clear the food to a table in another room to be enjoyed by everyone. 


Here is a blog that goes into great detail on the Korean Jesa, a ritual to honor the deceased. 

Ask A Korean, How to Hold Jesa

Different forms of this ancestor honor ritual are held 3 times a year; Chuseok, Lunar New Year, and an individual ceremony at midnight on the death day of the person. 

I hope you found the information on this ritual as interesting as I did, if you are interested in trying your own ritual I highly suggest reading the Ask A Korean blog he goes into great detail. 

Household good arrived!!!

Wow, our stuff arrived!!! Unpacking is as fun as ever, I am a little dismayed that this is taking me so long – seriously I have done it 6 times as a wife and I only have ½ of our stuff so what gives!?! Then I realize I ONLY have HALF of my stuff!!! The buffet that platter lives in, not here and hardest of all we don’t have any book shelves or desks. Ok, I guess I can cut myself a little slack for wandering around with items in hand like a zombie. As a plus I now have a full complement of pots, pans, bake ware, and tools throwing dinner together just got easier. Of course I am still figuring out the best organization for the stuff but that generally takes me a few weeks of working in the kitchen with it all. OH Oh (jumps up and down clapping) and now I have other clothes to wear, those 12 outfits I brought were getting old after 12 weeks – a few of the high quality Walmart t-shirts are actually wearing out Yikes. I have learned just how much smaller the Government Issue dresser is compared to mine – and geez do I need that many pairs of underwear or socks?!? Dog is happy we now have 3 large golf umbrellas. I have my stuff 30 days earlier than expected, so I will be thankful and find solutions to where will I put this or that.

We also have our van and I got my Korean driver’s license. Overall the experience here is improving, I just need to get brave and go out and adventure. To drive off the post requires coping with the way Korean’s drive. Everything – signage, painted arrows on the road these are mere suggestions the native population drives with abandon. Interesting fact all accidents require both drivers to take 50% responsibility, yes if you hit a parked car it is 50% that driver’s fault. Then there are the signs they aren’t all in Hongu (the Korean alphabet) but the words all look the same to me, one name can be different from the next with just 2-4 letters difference that’s very hard to notice while you are driving by. If I get lost getting directions from someone when I can’t even ask in Korean could be difficult, plus I don’t know my numbers, or left and right in Korean. Others tell me there are lots of Koreans that speak English and it would be fine.

We have been out and about in Pyeongtaek (the large city by us) and Anjeong ri (the suburb of Pyeongtaek right outside our gate) and both adventures were fun and exciting. The girls and I went to the market in Anjeong ri before the van came so that involved a half mile walk to a 20 minute bus ride then we walk out the pedestrian gate into the ‘ville. It was lots of fun and the Korean merchants were very helpful and friendly; we bought great veggies and fruits that were inexpensive and so fresh and tasty. Next is to try the large market in Pyeongtaek, just gotta be brave and go.

Monsoon season

I like to plan ahead. I feel like it gives that Murphy guy less to do, the things I plan for don't happen - it is that one thing I miss that screws it all up. SO I knew that July and August were monsoon season and I tried to buy rain boots for the kids and myself but we lived in El Paso, TX which is a desert rain boots were hard to come by in June. No matter since it isn't (so far) days of constant rain. It rains every day for some amount of time, and there is now standing water in lots of places but I don't always get wet when I walk the dog.

The other morning it was really wet air, so you got wet while you walked along but the water had not reached a critical mass and started to fall to earth. I was ok with that and the dog did his thing and I didn't even need to change my clothes when I got back in the apartment. Oh how 5 hours can change the world. Looking out the window while I waited for the elevator I thought, Hmm it is raining a little. In the time it took that little metal box to go from 4th floor to 1st floor it was pouring. Dog had to go, so out we went. Dog was not happy. I found the whole thing laughable. The water ran down my face I couldn't even see, dog did not complete the mission. He tapped out.

So with the standing water and pouring rain - I really need boots. Oddly I am having trouble finding any, you would think shops would capitalize on this moisture and get some rubber boots in, alas so far no luck. Thankfully the rain is back to falling at night. The weather reports say it has been a dry monsoon season, and the country is headed for a drought. I do hope it rains, and the Koreans don't have a drought, I just hope it waits until I find some boots and a really large umbrella for the dog. I don't think he can hold it more than a day at a time.

Tossed under the bus . . .

Right now I am writing my resume, can you tell? I was gathering my papers I have this folder that I have kept copies of my resumes through the years and letters of recommendation and cards of love and support from family and friends. I found it was a good place to go when I got sad and felt worthless. I could read all these letters that said I was responsible and a hard worker. Sometimes I forgot about my folder of attagirl, and those months would get dark . . . . Anyhow in the back I found my darkest day, orders leaving Oregon.

Once upon a time I was crazy happy in Salem, Oregon. I had friends, a purpose, I was on a great housekeeping schedule, I felt like I fit in - it was amazing. At the elementary school a ponytail and no makeup it was ok, hell it was standard Mom attire! Only problem, spouse was a recruiter and he was really unhappy, we had grown far apart and lived as roommates. We didn’t even communicate with notes, neither one knew what the other was doing in their life. Then it was time for him to return to the regular Army, he started to come back to me, the sarcastic loving guy I married started to show up at our house. We got our orders for Germany, *squee*, I love Germany. I was excited even though I would leave my home. One week before we were getting on the road they changed our orders – in a voice mail – to Ft Rucker, AL. Southern gals, inspite of the crazy melting humidity, to go everywhere-even the gym in make-up and with hair done. To say I hate Ft Rucker is a supreme understatement, I do not fit in there and we had been there 2x already. I cried for 3 days. I knew I had to make a choice, my marriage (kids were 7 and 3) or my happiness and that really is how I saw it. SO I made a sacrifice for my family, for my kids and returned to HELL.

I went to AL, and held it against him for the 2.5 years there and another 2 years at Ft Bragg, NC. It was pretty bad, I gave up. Actually laid down and gave up. I don’t even know if he could have done anything, at times I told myself that if he at least apologized for what the Army did, or admitted that I gave up so much for him then I could forgive him. LOL my husband isn’t good at sorry even when it is his fault much less for something he can’t control – but my twisted mind felt like there were words he could use to fix it. Like any good martyr I suffered for my cause, I stayed in bed for the better part of 2 years – yeah that’ll teach ‘em!!

When I started to get straight with my health and my mind a therapist asked me why did you leave Oregon? If you were happy there why didn’t you stay? I had to admit that if I had stayed we would have been divorced in a year, we were too far apart at that point and we needed to become husband and wife again. There are strong marriages that can take time apart, or even damaged ones like ours (he was deployed 2x while I continued to hold vigil) can make it if you are together in theory. If I had stayed I would have declared my independence physically when I was already living it mentally. So while he was in Afghanistan the second time I chose to get better. We were supposed to retire in a year so I would get to go back to Oregon and have a career – the kids were 13 and 10 they could function without me. He would retire and be an at home Dad while I got a career. I had a happy family picture in my mind all of my suffering was over my reward earned.

The Army did it again, while deployed he made the Sergeant Major (SGM) list and called to tell me we were going to Ft Bliss for a year and then he had to spend another 4 years in the Army to retire at SGM. I really didn’t know what to do, OH the rollercoaster of emotions. I could go to Oregon and start a life with the kids and he could join us when he retired, I could stay in NC and see where he went after school. I wanted my family intact, but wasn’t ready to trade my soul again. I am nothing if not dramatic! Once again I had a plan and here it was tossed under the bus.

I put on my big girl panties, it took me a couple of months to find them. I was pleasantly surprised that they were too big, while getting healthy I lost 50 lbs and 2 sizes. With new found pleasure at my healthy success I loaded up the family to move to Ft Bliss, TX for a whole 10 months. In Texas we discovered each other again. He came home for dinner and lunch and we laughed and enjoyed each other, both pleasantly surprised to find we were still in love. I let go of my martyrdom, and he forgave the years of passive aggressive behavior. I am a fool, I planned on getting to Ft Lewis, WA and starting my life 3 hours away in Oregon.  Thought we could have it all. Oh the Gods have a sense of humor.

I am writing this from Pyeongtaek South Korea. This time I got through my shock and dismay in about 24 hours and decided this was my overseas adventure that I had waited 8 years for, being a martyr did finally pay off.   

Motherhood Sucks

Motherhood sucks

My oldest is 14, I only have 2 kids and I am still on my first husband. And in a minute you will see why it is nice that he is still putting up with me. Husband is in the military so we move every few years and it was hard to find career worthy jobs – I decided to stay home and call that my job. Well it was way too thankless.

At work you get paid, and the boss doesn’t care what you do with that money. As a SAHM you are expected to keep everyone happy while figuring out how to save money to prove that you have contributed to the family. For me that meant I didn’t buy myself things like new clothes, or get my hair done. A job offers accolades when you do well, at home you can never please everyone. When a project is finished at the office you celebrate and review what went well and how to improve the next project. When dinner is finished there is no thank you and as a prize I get to do the dishes. There will be more dishes in 2 hours after everyone has dessert, so I guess that ‘project’ is never done.

To add insult to injury while dinner and then dishes are being done the rest of the family does as they please – watch TV, play on computers, enjoy their free time. This year I have decided to do as I please and to force the rest of the family into working. It was hard. When they complained I wanted to jump in and take over, but I believed that my movie watching was just as important as their free time so I kept my ass on that couch!! When guilt over the mess in the kitchen started to upset my stomach, I walked to the living room and checked into Facebook. My time and effort have paid off; I think I found some new hobbies. The fact that they really can do house work shows me that I can get a job, and it won’t lead to social services visiting my home.

Best of all, I am not caught up in getting stuff done so that I actually stop and spend time really listening to my kids instead of multitasking my way through a conversation. I still don’t get many thank yous, and the place is a little out of control sometimes – but it is worth it to have a life. Maybe motherhood isn’t too bad, maybe I was just doing it wrong. Shhh don’t tell my husband.

Back to the Gym

So I have been trying to lose weight for – well since I turned 12 and I am 44 now so . . .you do the math. After 40, with 2 kids and a couple bouts of depression, where I stayed in bed for months I was in really bad physical condition and I decided to make a change. It took 2 years of trying different workout methods, and eating plans before I realized that I couldn’t make myself work hard enough to change alone – I got a trainer 3x a week and she made me hurt every day. I love her – she saved my life.

 It took 12 months to lose 50 pounds, and then we moved. So I lost my gym, my grocery store, and my workout buddies. I got settled and started again – thankfully I didn’t gain any of the weight back, unfortunately I didn’t keep making progress either. So here I sit with really another 50 pounds to lose to be healthy, again trying to make a go of it on my own. (I hear the song “All By Myself” playing, hmmm).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3j_fdSpkmE

A local friend is a runner and got me to try a race with giant inflatables.

http://insaneinflatable5k.com/obstacles/

 I started the couch to 5k program using this app so that I wouldn’t slow down the real runners too much.

It went well in 4 weeks I got to where I could run for 90 second intervals at a pretty good pace. On day one of the program my 60 second run on a treadmill showed my heart rate going to 188,(might have been close to a heart attack, but since I didn’t pass out it’s all good) by the fourth week I was running faster and my heart rate only made it to 170 and my recovery was much faster. We did 3.5 miles with 11 obstacles in just under an hour – not bad for newbies.

We finished the race and I didn’t have another one on the calendar so I didn’t run for 3 weeks – I walked and did the elliptical but it was a half-assed effort. Truth be told I really dislike running, but I found it was an easy way to knock out 300+ calories in 30 minutes, then 30 minutes on core work and some weight lifting and you have real progress in 1 hour. I returned reluctantly to the gym, and decided to start again at week 1 but day 3, I thought maybe I had a little conditioning left – WOW I was shocked I ran the whole routine at my faster speeds and without any extra recovery time, and no slowing down WOO-HOO!!!

I am back to the gym, on my way to being in great shape!!

Count down to PCS (permanent change of duty station)

As you might have gathered from earlier posts we are getting stationed in South Korea. This was a real shock to all of us it was 27^th on our wish list followed by Ft Rucker, AL; and Ft Polk LA – and my spouse already has over 20 years in the Army so we would be potentially retiring at the end of our tour in Korea – hmm seems complicated to me.  We live our lives “at the needs of the Army” so South Korea it will be.

In 4 weeks we have managed to get 2 passports each (one of the bureaucratic hoops we get to jump through), the cat and dog have their shots and lab work, we had our physicals, and some needed paperwork has come in so that I can start the next series of appointments.  My time has been loaded with interesting ‘things to do’, seems our last duty station didn’t put any of our medical visits in the computer so I had to re-do all the fun appointments – the boob smasher, and every lady loves “could you scoot a little farther down the table?” Fortunately even with the constant need to do things twice we are still moving down the check list.

 Unfortunately it has taken up so much of my time I haven’t been able to do research on the fun parts of moving to South Korea, just the nuts and bolts of getting 4 humans, a dog, and a cat there. I have lots of ideas I want to research – local festivals, National events and celebrations, and basic info- what is the weather like  *sigh* hopefully I will have some cool things to tell eventually, right now I need to get on the phone and check the cost of shipping an 80 pound Lab from Dallas to Seoul . . . .

Stress

GRRRR . . .

 I did make it to the gym, and Oh My Gods!!! It did as I needed; I had a great day full of energy. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it back again this week – grr spent lots of time dealing with bureaucrats trying to get things done for the big move.

 I am trying to complete the ‘to do’ list for the Army, clean out and organize the closets and shelves, get to the gym 3x or more a week, get myself career ready, keep kids inline, have a hobby (reading, and embroidery), and do regular wife work and for me this ends in A LOT of stress. I am left wondering if regular people get freaked out trying to ‘do’ life or I am special – and not in a good or acceptable way. AND let the whining begin – am I disorganized, or under motivated? Some days I crank through work and feel great and other days I am trapped in a cycle of crazy. Let’s be clear here, the crazy can be of my own creation, one of those days where I go into one room to put an item away and get distracted by a pile of items to put away, or end up involved in another project. This leads to many projects started but few finished – I think of it as the shiny effect, you know- “oh, look something shiny . . .”. Other days the crazy is from outside sources, endless time on hold or some additional project that wasn’t on my to do list.

That is my usual method of staying on track – the beloved to do list. On a bad day I will back fill the list with items like shower, eat lunch, and check email just so I have items to cross off. Of course I also end up transferring the jobs I don’t like – filing and bill paying might be on the list for a week. Spouse was making fun of me the other day when I was getting stressed and I said, “I need to empty my brain, and make a to do list, to relieve some stress.” Well he thought that was hilarious! I got to hear about it all day – but it really does keep me focused and on track, and prevents jobs from falling through the cracks. I guess that is my answer for stress control – make a list, and for happiness put go to gym at the top.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Depression is so sneaky

Depression is so sneaky

I have had a relationship with depression for most of my life, it took me to the age of 35 to realize it was real, and not my fault. I spent the early years thinking it was something I could power through – and to some extent I still feel this way. I spent some years on medications, like so many people these days, for just over 2 years I have been off medications.  It is hard to have a flaw you can’t control you can only mitigate its effect on your life, but I have found ways to work through the dark days.

So let’s look at what depression looks like for me this week; my mother died suddenly 6 months ago and I worry a lot about my dad, his elderly dog passed away a few days ago, and we are getting sent overseas to Korea with the military for 2 years - -lots of big things to deal with not to mention the little things of everyday life with teens.  I find myself battling that tired achy feeling, I have learned over the years this isn’t a bug or germ manifesting in me there is no reason to go to bed and wait to get better. In the past that was what I did, but that can take months and no real sickness arrives just more lethargy. Inactivity feeds on itself and you can end up in bed for a long time, that is how depression sneaks back into your life. What would help is going to the gym, get feel good hormones flowing and get sweaty – but I am not there yet. For the last 2 days I have pushed on through the fog and exhausted feelings to get stuff done and so far I still have my head above water, my face is sometimes covered in tears but I am pressing on.

I have gone out to my volunteer job this week, and took the kids to an art exhibit. Today laundry is getting done and dinner is in the works. The final push really is that trip to the gym, it makes all the difference for my mood – even when I cry while I work out, hey it happens!! When I was young it seemed I could just cry it all out then move on, but I have found that in this decade tears lead to more tears. Let’s hope I get to the gym, and turn the corner. 

Hemorrhaging Money

How many things can break???

You need a time line to appreciate how much these last 2 months sucked for me and the ride is still going. At the end of February, so a mere 8 weeks ago all the items in my house with a plug started to revolt. The Vacuum was dying – so for my birthday I figured I was getting a new one (my birthday is the end of February) NOT my choice but such is adulthood we don’t always get what we want. Before we could get the Dyson I wanted because of course I need a $400+ vacuum, one of the computers broke, and the light bulb for the large TV went out. The bulb and computer parts both cost over $200. AND I had a rafting trip, on the Rio Grande planned for the first week of March, our spring break. All the breakage so far was stuff we didn’t need to replace immediately so spouse and I decided to wait until after the rafting trip to spend the money, leaving a cash buffer for our traveling. 

Trying to keep up with the fur from our lab and cat became a small challenge, and the large TV on the floor to the side of the entertainment center which now had a TV 1/3 the size, added interesting ambience to the décor in our house.  We live in Army quarters, which means it looks like really nice section 8 housing – in NC we bought a house which I loved and we couldn’t sell when we moved so it is rented, for less than the mortgage of course because it is how my life works! Anywhoo, the quarters are small but work fine and it has encouraged us to thin out our stuff – it also means I kinda have a landlord. This came in handy when on the Thursday night of our Military Formal our refrigerator, died the one they had come out to repair 2x already. We called, no one called back that night so 7 am after our formal we called again – when the guy came I was insisting on a new unit since we were leaving town on Sunday. They came through but I had to throw out all the food from the fridge and freezer and file the claim with the property manager – while I am packing a family for a rafting/camping trip and scheduling pet sitters and getting grandpa from the airport to join us.

Trip was great, I will tell more about it later.

After 3 days unplugged I return to a message on my phone that the heat pump on the rented house in NC broke. UGH, I know this will cost thousands!! I told them to get a quote and called a few other places for additional quotes – the phone tag is still going on 8 weeks later but it looks like this will cost $4000 hmmm guess I am sweeping the floor and the little tv is here to stay.

Two weeks later the washer, which is 3 yrs old starts making noise – I call the guy who fixed our freezer which the movers broke in August. He came out it was $100 for parts and labor. Then spouse’s smart phone, a Samsung only 2 yrs old starts acting up even with tech support they can’t get it fixed so off to the ATT store. It was cheaper to buy the phone and get the lower rate plan than to get the “free” phone. Ok, at this point I am hemorrhaging money the savings is gone and we are getting tight – PLUS since we know we move in July so I can’t really go get a job.

Five days after we get the phone, we get orders for Korea. I was shell shocked for about 24 hours trying to process what this means and what our options are . . .we decide to all stay together so the kids, pets and I are going to Korea we have about 100 days to complete all the things needed to satisfy the Army, the US government, and the Korean government to allow us to follow our soldier to Korea.  By The WAY the phones won’t work there, and none of the large appliances will go. I spend a few hours each day trying to get the correct people on the phone for appointments and paper work. Pets get shots and blood work on Friday – they call me that afternoon, one of the 4 shots they gave the poor cat was out of date so in 3 weeks he needs to go in for that again. NO ONE answers the phone at the passport office to tell me what the rules are and what we need – I have verified that to travel outside of Korea we have to buy our own passports the Army will only give us paperwork to get in country – and seriously travel is why you go overseas. The passports are $135 each we need 4.

That brings me to this weekend and Saturday with laundry sorted and piled in the laundry room, the dryer stopped heating. It is good to live in the desert even jeans only took 5 hours to dry outside. So I called Jorge to come out to look at the dryer – he was amazed!! I gotta say I am not sure what Karma I am reaping here but I am hoping it will run out soon!!!  More on Rafting the Rio Grande next time . . . 

Misery might love company, but I am not interested in your company.

Misery might love company, but I am not interested in your company.

You know those people who have to one up every statement you make. I get it sometimes you do know more than me – rarely but it does happen. So I have been married 16 years all of those years we were in the Army, I grew up an Army Brat and I am over 40 with 2 kids both teens at this point – what are the chances that a 24 year old has more general knowledge than me about being an Army anything? Yet, you continue to go on and on about Army life not letting me get a word in edge wise.

Also recently there was a senior spouse,(which means the wife of a senior military member, these folks have at least 15 years of military service and have earned their way to a high rank where they have (theoretically) influence in the military) was misbehaving in a public forum where the wife of The Sergeant Major of the Army (yes you got that right there is only ONE of these in the entire Army so he is that important) was kind enough to come talk to a group of spouses about what to expect in the Army and ask about what issues she should focus on in her work to make our lives better. Well this heifer thought it meant she could air out her grievances about the Military as a whole and chose this moment to whine about how unhappy she is here at this post. SERIOUSLY!!! Don’t get me wrong I have been known to shut down an entire discussion panel when asked my opinion, which had to do with scheduling and why our soldiers couldn’t have a schedule that was generally stable and in place for a 3 day lead time, not changing on a nightly basis. I DO NOT expect the Army to make me personally happy at every duty station, like this gal seemed to think was her right.

Why did these 2 things set me off down ranter’s lane? I think it was because there just doesn’t seem to be anyplace that is safe from the stupid. I get the young wife thinks her situation is special, and after 5-10 years of service she (hopefully) will get that her ‘issues’ are just what the Army is about. BUT the other one should have enough time in the Army as spouse, or enough years under her belt (yup, I said it are you an adult?), or maybe just real world experience to know and understand that you don’t tell an auditorium full of strangers that you are miserable then pout and stomp your feet.  In the end the most frustrating thing is neither one will listen when people try to help – young wife has a long list of reasons why my advice won’t work in her super special situation – and senior wife had not taken time to join any of the social events, classes, or gatherings that are open and offered at every post I have ever been at. In the end I want to tell folks like this that being miserable is a choice and if you really are unhappy do something about it, join a class, ask friends for help, HELL go make friends and if all else fails leave, move, divorce change your life. BUT for God’s sake stop expecting the rest of us to give a damn that you wallow in your misery!!!

Anger, Sadness, and Laughter

Anger, Sadness and Laughter

Today we had our Ostara ritual. I have had trouble getting the other ritualists to do their work, to my satisfaction. Yesterday I was really upset about it, and the computer wouldn't work for me to e-mail a final draft to everyone, then I would get more pissed realizing that they wouldn't read it or print it for themselves anyway!! So I was in quite a bad mood when I fell asleep.

I got up this morning and the anger was mostly gone as I ran around getting the last items ready and loaded in my van. Then I realized that I hadn't started the brisket last night like I was supposed to – and it was 1 hour to ritual set up!! CRAP!! My friend suggested I pick up rotisserie chicken on my way to the ritual – good idea. (the fact that I couldn't think of that as a solution, tells you what a mess I was)  AND as I completed the last chores and got in the van I realized the God/dess was pointing out that even those who are putting forth their best effort sometimes fall short. I need to be easier in my thoughts of others and of myself.

In the car as all the stress flowed out of me I was crying a little, as I often do.  I could feel myself at the edge of the sadness – sometimes it overtakes me and sometimes I can stay ahead of it. I was hanging by my fingernails, and even thought “WOW, I am glad I keep my nails long!”, as we arrived at the ritual spot.

We unloaded the van and cars and started to set up, I was trying to keep busy and not get overwhelmed by my tears. Everyone was setting up and laughing and chatting and just enjoying the moment with each other. I realized that this is what it is about, togetherness, laughter, support.  No one cared if it was perfect or even really deep they were here in the moment. I could actually feel myself lightening.

Ritual went well, we had a guided meditation about releasing insecurities, jealousy, anger, fear, and self-doubt. With each phase I felt lighter, it was great. After ritual there was an egg hunt, and feast of course. We had fun and at the end of it all I was warm, full, happy and ready for a nap. So thank you to our circle members, thank you to the animals we evoked, and thank you to the Goddess for the joyous day and new revelations.